aikyo/charm

sayonara

2011-01-23T02:16:00.003+08:00

i expressed my wish to bid a final goodbye.

now i am waiting for that final goodbye.

i hate waiting like this.

i have been feeling so goddamn emo.

like a fucking hormonal teenager.

complete with a break-out on my face. Eurgh.

this totally sucks.

and please don't blame me if i can't be happy for you and you and you out there.

let me be bitter.

i think i deserve to be bitter because frankly, it never quite hurt like this before.

fml.

second best

2011-01-05T22:00:00.002+08:00

Disclaimer: This post is not borne out of irrationality brought about by PMS. Nor the rain. Or the cold. This is really been something playing on my sad mind for quite some time actually. I have heard sayings that advice us to to not run away from our problems, insecurities and stuff like that. So this is what I am going to do. Admit what I think is my flaw. Seriously, no sarcasm or digs intended. Cross my heart and hope to die.

It is undeniable. My family is awesome. My parents are cool enough. My brothers totally rock. And I'd be pretty bored if I don't have my sister. They love me and I know it.

But.

They just have a way of making me feel that I'm not good enough.

I went to university; albeit not taking the conventional route to get that piece of paper. But now that I have that, my mother starts wants me to achieve some other things. Now that I have a stable job, she wants me to improve the other bloody aspects of my life. Like go lose weight. Be normal. Have a socially-acceptable body. So that she doesn't have to worry about me. Worry about what? That I cannot snag a man who will marry me and take care of me?

I also have bloody awesome friends. My girlfriends are all that BFFs should be. They make great travel partners. They listen to my rants at any time, all the time. They make me feel better after shit happens. They don't tell me to shut up when I get irrationally emo. They humour me when no one else bothers to.

But yet I know I don't make it into their priority list. Cos they have their boyfriends. Or other friends. Which is really fine, and I don't hold any hard feelings! That's just the way things run, and I accept it fine.

And then there's the guy who is hot and cold. Makes me so happy sometimes, breaks my heart like no one else can sometimes. I don't even know what he is to me anymore. One day we'll be all great, and the next, it won't be anymore. At times, I can't help but feel (this is taking a lot for me to confess) that I am sth like his booty call. Only that he doesn't get what he wants from me. Maybe that's why he's like that to me? Guess I will never know..

So you see. I am either just not good enough or am second-best.

Achieve something, and then hear that actually...

"Nahh.. not good enough, babe. You still kinda suck. Still not good enough"

Think that I am worth the time and affection from someone but..

"Oops.. Today, I realised that you're just not it. Not good enough for me. Sorry"

BUT I TRIED SO HARD.

But really, who cares? It is human nature to want and to appreciate the end product. If I don't make the cut, then sorry. Your feelings are not worth my consideration. Nor my time.

So thinking all these feelings through, I realised something about myself. In order for me to feel happy and content, I crave affection, approval and love. I appreciate a leetle attention. From the people who matter. Not all the time, but sometimes. When I expect it, when I need it.

Not a very conclusive end to this post. But, yeah.

Happy New Year!

Meanwhile, I guess I will decide if I should keep trying to be good enough, and to be the number one for someone.

Or find someone who finds me good enough and be the number one for that person.

(since I can't change my family anyway)

Whichever comes easy. Whichever come first.

2010-12-03T21:38:00.007+08:00

Yui - Please Stay With Me

Will you stay by my side?

Secretly, in between the gaps of passions

Peace is never in sight in the face of tragedy

Gathering the fragments of this shrinking love

One piece

Two pieces

I'm piling them up

Just by wishing that I could see you

My tears are already overflowing this much

My sigh escapes, floating up into the night sky

Please Stay With Me

You're holding it in but don't grow so cold, okay?

Because words will someday change into the truth

I can't hear your pride or your talents

This can't just end as a dream

One thing

Two things

Explain them all to me

If I could say, "I miss you" would I end up in pain again?

My tears are already overflowing...

my love

Every time we pass by one another,

you become more precious to me

Please Stay With Me

I want to know you more

I want to hear your voice

I want to cry

I'm so confused

I'm so weak, aren't I?

Please Stay With Me

Nothing more, nothing less.

That's when...

2010-10-28T10:59:00.003+08:00

Was walking around at Downtown East earlier this week when I walked past a small shop which was playing this song softly. I remembered how much I used to keep listening to this song cos I loved it so much. Not that it was particularly applicable to my life back then. But I really loved the simplicity of this song and its lyrics. Simple, sweet, and gets the darned message across rather straight.

So these past fetw days, I have been playing this song on loop. :)

Aslyn - That's When I Love you

when you have to look away

when you don't have much to say

that's when I love you

I love you, just that way

to hear you stumble when you speak

or see you walk, with two left feet

that's when I love you

I love you, endlessly

and when you're mad 'cause you lost the game

forget i'm waiting in the rain

baby I love you

I love you anyway

'cause here's my promise made tonight

you can count on me for life

'cause that's when I love you

when nothing you do could change my mind

the more I learn,

the more I love,

the more my heart can't get enough

that's when I love you

when I love you

no matter what

so when you turn to hide your eyes

'cause the movie and made you cry

that's when I love you

I love you a little more each time

and when you can't quite match your clothes

or when you laugh at your own jokes

thats when I love you

I love you, more than you know

and when you forget that we had a date

or that look that you give when you show up late

baby I love you

I love you anyway

'cause heres my promise made tonight

you can count on me for life

'cause that's when I love you

when nothing you do could change my mind

the more I learn

the more I love

the more my heart can't get enough

thats when I love you

when I love you no matter what

that's when I love you

when nothing baby

nothing you do could change my mind

the more I learn

the more I love

the more my heart can't get enough

thats when I love you

when I love you

no matter what

Emo is an understatement.

just-in-case

2010-10-05T23:30:00.003+08:00

Don't use me

Don't tease me

Don't hurt me

Don't mess with my head

Don't flaunt me

Don't laugh at me

Talk about me

Or ignore what I said

But you can treat me good

Anytime you like

Show me some kindness if I'm lucky tonight

You can treat me good anytime at all

Just little caring is all I'm asking for

Bachelor Girl - Treat Me Good

cos no one wants to be a just-in-case

what would you do for love?

2010-09-17T13:38:00.004+08:00

Because I am not capable of being the slightest bit coherent right now, I 'll quote this piece of writing by Elvin Ng that I felt was most befitting of my situation right now.

For Love

May 9, 2010

What would you do?

For love, I would pursue it and give it my best shot even if I knew it was a mistake right from the start and nothing would come out of it; I would rather have lived it and be hurt than never to have lived at all.

That’s how much I would give for love.

Idealistic? Romantic? Stubborn? Irrational?

I was thinking, “How many irrational decisions have I made in my life?” The answer: not many. I have been a fairly rational being. & only for love would I give myself, I would be an irrational being.

For love, what would you give?

-Elvin Ng.

Hello Elvin. Are you me?

2010-08-18T11:06:00.002+08:00

It's got nothing to do with religion, it's got nothing to with mental stability, but it has everything to do with the human mind's natural instinct, which is to hope beyond all hope, unless you're a cynical bastard. It's got to do with love, with losing somebody you love, a part of you being torn away that you'd do almost anything or believe anything to have returned to you. It's hope that someday you'll see them again, that you can still feel them near you. Hope like that, as I thought before, doesn't make you a weak person. It's hopelessness that makes you weak. Hope makes you stronger, because it brings with it a sense of reason. Not a reason for how or why they were taken from you, but a reason for you to live. Because it's a maybe. A 'maybe someday things won't always be this shit.' And that 'maybe' immediately makes the shittiness better.

-Cecilia Ahern.

2010-05-30T01:49:00.003+08:00

Last night in this house. ;___;

But was totally ruined by someone who's supposedly closest to me. Well, fuck that, for tonight. And for as long as I don't feel like having anything to do with her.

And thanks to this incident, many things ran through my mind. And now, I truly feel that I fucking deserve better. I don't deserve to be treated the way I was.

All my life, I played nice. I lived my life, trying my hardest to not disappoint my parents in any way. I put my all in all that I was supposed to do, not only for myself, but for my family. I have always feared not meeting the expectations that my family has set for me. Granted, they do not set sky high goals for me to achieve, but at least, I try my hardest and give them that.

I can safely say that I never gave my parents and my family any cause for worry. I went through school fine, without hicks, and then completed university, without troubling them financially nor in any other ways. And now, I am already working, with a stable job, and one that my parents tell me they are actually proud of.

So where does that leave me? How in hell, does being the good daughter and sister, lead to this? I have played my part well growing up. I always try to bring smiles to my family's faces. I humour my parents by being the daughter that does almost everything in this house when my mum can't.

I humour my brothers by doing every single thing they tell me to help them with. Even if it means cooking in the middle of the night. I listen to their stories even when there are times I don't really feel like. Whatever they ask me to do, I do. With a smile, willingly.

I try to be the elder sister I never had, to my sister. I get close to her, even though it's been really difficult to, even my family is shocked that I always somehow manage to get her to say things that she'd never ever say to anyone else, with that heart akin to a stone. I keep her secrets that no one else knows. Even when there are times when I know it's wrong to keep those secrets to myself. But why do I do it? To fucking protect her. I treat her as a friend, I keep things as casual as I could. I let her tease me, I let her annoy me, just like how my brother used to do when I was young. Because, maybe if I did that, I could keep our relationship close and intact.

But tonight, in the car, as again, I let her make me cry, as again, I let her talk down to me as if I'm younger than her by 5 yrs instead, I thought that maybe, I've been doing it wrong. Maybe things shouldn't have been that casual with her. Maybe it's time to let the 5-yr gap seem like a 5-yr gap. Since this doesn't seem to work.

And since I've realised that no one stands up for me in this family, maybe I should not be the nice daughter and sister anymore. Maybe I should frown and pout all day, so that my brothers won't dare to sound me for help. Maybe I should talk back to my parents and brothers every single opportunity I get, so that they know, I can also be not nice. So that they know that I'm not just one happy smiling, laughing ball. Maybe I will just be fucking irresponsible about my familial duties. And while I'm at it, shall I even be irresponsible with my own life? No, not having suicidal thoughts. Irresponsible as in, I shall not be the goody-two shoes that everyone takes for granted. How's that? If one way doesn't seem like the way to go, a 180-degree swerve away from it might bring the respect I should be getting.

2010-05-15T15:20:00.001+08:00

it still hasn't quite yet sunken in. that as of 22nd may, i will be a teacher. at xx primary school.

I'm Risking My Life

2010-05-13T14:20:00.004+08:00

2PM - 목숨을 건다

(I'm risking my life)

Don't hurt anymore, don't cry anymore
I'm going to watch over you, we'll be together forever

Believe in love, don't be scared anymore
I'm standing in front of you like this, telling you I will make you happy

I'm risking my life, I'm risking my life
In order to love you I'm risking even my life
Do you know my heart, the heart that keeps wanting to see you
In order to love, I'm risking my life

You're not alone now, you're together with me
When you're tired of life and when it gets hard, I will comfort you

Believe in love, watch over me now
I'm standing in front of you like this, telling you I will make you happy

Nothing can tear us apart, however you see it, it's our destiny
In order to love you, I'm risking it all

Translated by 49.5bananas @ W2D

I die over and over again every time I listen to this song.

And the face I make is a cross btwn ;____; and (:

LOL

Reminiscing~

2010-05-02T01:01:00.003+08:00

I started packing up my personal stuff from my room today. Spent the whole day in here, right after I was done with cooking.
It's not that I managed to pack a whole lot of things today. It's just I decided today will be spent packing the stuff that will be put in the storage warehouse, which means that I won't be bringing them with me to the rental place. Which also means that I will only see them next, next year.

So these are all the less important stuff. The stuff that I don't need every single day. Things like school yearbooks, gifts and presents, birthday cards, letters and notes and of course, pictures. I realised that I have been keeping birthday cards, Hari Raya cards addressed to me since I was 12! As I kept them away, not throwing them away, for the umpteenth time, I wonder till when I could keep this up. Do these things still have its meaning? Words said in the past, promises made years ago, are they still being protected? Do the senders of those pretty words still mean they said? Do they even remember sending those words to me?

I don't know. Someday, I might throw them away, Just not yet, for now.

As I spent time looking through my stuff, I saw lots of letters, and notes too. Some I read, some I did not want to. Because I could not bring myself to. Why? Cos I already know, and am almost certain that those words really do not mean anything anymore. Then why didn't I throw them away? Not sure myself. Maybe I might gather up enough courage to read them again in the future. Maybe then, I can smile about it...

I also read through my diaries dating back to the year 2000. Reminisced the fun I had in school, smiled at my many many crushes. Lol. Cringed at my angry entries. Hehe.

Then I looked through pictures I have printed. And then spent even more time looking back on beautiful moments that I shared with friends. Reminiscing those warm yet really fun times. Trying my best to not remember the painful moments.

So as I smiled to myself, laughed to myself and also cried by myself in my room today as I packed away my things, I realised something.
Throughout the bulk of my life, there has been a few constants. There are a couple of special people, I should say, friends, that have stuck with me throughout every single significant phase of my life.

As my possessions reflected different periods of time in my life, and as they depicted the people who came and went in the different times of my life, my best friends were the ones who were always in all my pictures.
They were the ones who were always mentioned in my diaries, they were the ones, whose names were consistently signed off with their very own handwriting, at the end of every birthday card I received.
And the best thing about these special people was that they were the ones that did not make beautiful promises with me, they were the ones that did not even need to constantly tell me they love me. They are the ones that did not use pretty words to win my heart.

And likewise, neither did I. Neither did I have to.

I have also made beautiful promises and pledges with people to whom I am not even talking to at this moment. Some, I have even lost contact with many years ago. I have also said pretty things to these people so that they would like me and love me.

But where did that bring us? Nowhere.
But what it leaves us is just memories.
Memories that break your heart, just like it first did when you knew you were breaking that initial promise.
Memories that I hope one day, will bring to my face a smile and a warm feeling, instead of hot tears that knows no restraint.

So to my 2 best friends that have always been with me one way or another, I love you! ♥

2010-04-29T00:52:00.002+08:00

At this point in time, my final exams have ended almost a week ago. Hmm.

On Monday, together with the NIE babes, we booked a room at Studio M Hotel and had our own little grad party. And also to celebrate Jo and Kin's belated birthdays. Since we couldn't find the time to during sem. Hehe.

The hotel is newly-opened and it houses loft-style rooms. Which was so darn cool. But the toilet and shower stall were a little small though. But the room totally pawns over that tiny disappointment. We felt like such kids running up and down. Lol. Would totally show post some pics here but I am feeling so lazy gdi. I'd prolly edit this post later or sth.

The party was awesome. We did grossly overeat, of course. Chips, with cheese dips, fast food, pizza, yogurt, ice-cream, ice-cream cake. I really had a ton of fun. And to think that was the last time. It's a little sad. Well, the party was a little sad too actually. There were some tears as we were broaching the subject of graduating, starting work, and mostly about not seeing each other every single day anymore. I really am going to miss NIE. And that is mostly because I am going to miss the really great friends I have made there. :(

Well, on the bright side, starting work means not being so dead broke all the time anymore. So yeay!

Anywayy, today I felt what something-something-something felt like. I don't even know what you call it. And it wasn't nice.

note to self: google chrome kills posts in LJ AND Blogger. -.-

2010-04-17T00:18:00.001+08:00

I need to rant.

この世界は狡すぎ。

Many Yens for my many thoughts?

2010-04-06T20:41:00.008+08:00

I wonder if it is uncanny coincidence that more often than not, I am caught in a dilemma. Personal dilemmas, I've had plenty. I talk it out to myself and I sometimes look to others for help.

But what happens when you're in a dilemma that involves many other parties? I have had many instances of being caught-in-the-middle.

With friends? Of course. From simple matters regarding where to eat to larger-scale ones that involve holiday arrangements. Being stuck in the middle of different parties is tiring. Please one side, offend the other. Appease the other side, betray another. orz

And then, there's family. Being stuck between a stubborn sister and an equally unbending mother exhausts me to no end. Because in the end, whatever I do, or not do, will be the wrong move. If I let things be, I am the one who doesn't want to give a damn cos she's too good for the family already (like where does this logic come from??). If I take some proactive approach, and help the sister's with her problems, she's not ever going to learn, is she? When I try to protect her, I get it from the mother. When I don't give a flying fuck, I also get it.

Sometimes the words I get thrown in my face from the both of them hurts so much that my chest physically tighten and breathing gets difficult.

So, dear wise readers, what shall I do?

I am already very physically tired from doubling up as the homemaker for past couple of months. *This* kind of emotional and mental exhaustion is totally unwelcome. And let's not forget, again, that I have my own personal responsibilities too. For example, I am in my final year, final semester. At this moment in time, assignment deadlines are piled up one on top of the other. And also, that I have my final, final examinations coming in a couple of weeks' time.

So, maybe, for just these few weeks, let me off. From everyone else's problems. Let me live my life for a little while now. Once I'm done with school, I'll face all this shit again, can? Cos for the past month or so, I have been dreading being at home. After school, I walk ever so slowly to the bus stop. I look forward to leaving the house in the mornings. Cos that is the only time when I'm granted 'me' time. And even so, the 'me' time is filled up with thoughts and worries about all the problems at home; none of which, is mine.

I still love my family, though. Very much. It's just that sometimes, even family can forget that you are human too, with feelings, with shortcomings. Sometimes, I wish that I wasn't so accessible to my family. If I stay out till late everyday, and am barely home, things like these wouldn't be happening to me. If I simply do-not-know, hence I do not have to worry, right? Maybe when they see less of me, they'll appreciate me more? Maybe I am being around too much in this house... Maybe someday, I'll get a life. I'll do just that once I sleep off my exhaustion.

***

After I got back from school today, I stalked some pics of 2PM at Incheon and Suvarnabhumi Airports. Stumbled upon a fancam recording of 3 of them arriving in Bangkok last night. It was a 50-odd seconds footage of them going past the customs and out of the airport. Halfway through, I got really excited cos I was thinking to myself, "Omg, I was right there! Where they are walking!". Then the video ended as they walked outside into the darkness, as they walked to their bus that was waiting.

And that was when something hit me. The pick-up area in the night time was soo familiar. Memories from nearly 2 years ago washed over me. A thousand and one of them. Funny that it was only a few days ago that me and Yano were talking about how much fun we had when the 5/6 of us were there. (:

Anyway, I remember reading somewhere recently, about a study that was done on holiday-goers. Apparently, most people feel happy when planning and anticipating their holidays. An insignificant amount of happiness was 'detected' during their holidays itself. And when they came back home, sometimes depression set it.

Gotta to agree with the planning, anticipating and the depression bit. But I remember having such a great time during our holidays in Thailand. The fun we had, or rather, I had, were definitely much more significant than the excitement while planning. Hmm.

Well, I have a feeling that Japan end this year might beat Thailand. Hehe. By virtue of the destination alone, totally possible. 8D I'm just keeping my fingers crossed; that any tangles now will be fixed rather easily soon.

Anywayy, after I stalked those 2PM pictures, I started to cook for the family. And as I was cooking I thought of something that would make me so so happy. I was actually thinking that I would be the happiest person in the whole wide world now if JYPE called me up. And offered me a job to cook for the 2PM boys. You know, like their own cook noona? hahaha. That would be SO much fun!! Everyday, I will serve them home-cooked meals. Healthier than take-outs and deliveries. ^^ It will not matter what time of day their tummies demand food, cos I will gladly prepare them. Since I will be a live-in cook. 8DD

Well, a girl has the right to daydream as she cooks, right? ^_________^

Now let me entertain myself with these fantasies. They keep me going, albeit on a very false note, but at least, it helps me find the strength to live each day with my best.

While I'm at it, I think I should let you guys know... It's been some time... but..

Here's my husband. And that's our lovechild.

We were playing with paint this one Sunday, if you can't already tell.

2010-03-23T14:15:00.002+08:00

Even the usual pick-me-ups don't work anymore.

I am tired. So, so tired.

FML

2010-03-18T23:35:00.003+08:00

I have always thought that I would be one of the last persons to say this, but today, I honestly feel tired of living. I am not tired of MY life, but I am tired of *this* life.

It horribly sucks to be facing problems that seem to have no feasible solution. It sucks to have to sit by and watch but not being able to do anything to make the fucked up situations any better.

It certainly does not help to be around people who refuse to understand, people who are selfish, people who are so narrowed in thinking. People who act childish when they are absolutely not supposed to be. And people who are just ignorant, or those who run away.

But most of all, I am so fucking tired of being the one who knows things. I'm sick of being the listening ear. I DO NOT want to know any more, selfish as it sounds.

Why must I be the one? Because I would just keep quiet and listen? But the others would do the same too, you know? Why me. Why only me? Why protect everyone else?

Right now, I know I am not strong enough for all this shit. Really not. And I have never felt more vulnerable than I am feeling now. God, help me. Please.

狡いな人生

2010-03-12T00:56:00.004+08:00

I am tired from thinking about problems that are not mine.

I am tired from going to KK and SGH and back home cos of my mother's surgery.

I am tired from cooking for my family everyday and doing the whole house's laundry every other day.

I am so tired from cleaning up everyone's mess. In all possible senses.

Because, guess what? I DO have my own life. I DO have responsibilities as a student, right now. Because, guess what? I am not the household's replacement housewife.

Sounds horribly petty. But the world just seems so unfair when I think about how everyone else gets to go to sleep after it all. And still, I have early days filled with just doing work, work, and more work. And after that, I am still left awake trying to complete assignments, despite a killer of a headache. Speaking of which, I am getting major headaches every single night. It's not funny.

I can't even go out, cos then, who's going to cook and clean and take care of mummy and all that.

At the end of the day, this is all my responsibility as a daughter. So I should just stfu.

But, speaking of assignments, why can't my lecturer just be like all other lecturers and come down to campus to have physical lectures and tutorials? And not try to kill us all with massive e-learning assignments that are just never-ending. Seriously, and only letting us know on a Thursday, something that needs to be in by Monday. I mean, it's called e-learning week for a reason. And what is with the survey!! OMG!

Well, that's it. How ironic is it that I am writing this post because I couldn't possibly tell anyone about this. Be it because of the content or just circumstances. And yet, here I am, writing this for the whole world to see.

Life Choices

2010-03-03T02:22:00.004+08:00

Suddenly, in the dead of the night/morning... the thought to forget my dreams came across my mind... I thought that maybe I should just shelve it away. And to REALLY forget about it, so that I would not say something like, "Ah, I should have done that..." when I'm much older and such doors of opportunities are not open to me anymore.

I have been toying with my plans since I was in JC.. It was only 3 or 4 yrs ago that I have decided to make that my goal within the next ten years of my life. It was only then that I decided to speak to my parents about it to get their blessings first before I could start getting excited about it. And I got it.

But now... Circumstances seem to be telling me that maybe it's too far-fetched a plan. The situation I am currently in gives me an idea of the kinds of situation me and my family would be in, 5 years down the road. Issues that we might be facing then is going to clash with my plans. Head-on.

I can't say that the contemplation of shelving away my dreams and throwing away a part of my dream is all regretful. It pained me when the thought suddenly struck me earlier. But surprisingly, I felt that maybe I could accept such a turn-around in plans. If I tell myself that it's really ok to not do it, it will be ok. Wouldn't it?

It would be wonderful if I could still carry them out. But judging from how things are looking right now, I'd have to place priority on being a filial daughter and a responsible sister before my own personal interests. Don't get me wrong. My family is still giving me the support. They still are confronting our current situations while considering the fact that my plan would be underway then. They are also accordingly including/excluding me from certain issues.

I can choose to be comfortable with their accommodations for me and my plans. But. I think playing the part of a thoughtful and sensible family member should come first. Ahead of whatever lala~ dreams I may have.

Maybe my sacrifice would bring me more returns in the future?

Who's to know?
Like my mum (and prolly everyone else's mum too) always says, "We can plan, but God decides".
And I believe that whatever He decides for me would be the best for me and my family...

is blood thicker than water?

2010-02-21T15:03:00.006+08:00

this is not going to be a fine piece where i'm going to go all out to advocate the idea that blood is thicker than water. it's not going to be nice, and fuck cares.

i don't think that it's wrong for me to feel completely turned off to see my cousin anymore just cos the way his mum carries on. we have loved mikaeil and my parents still do love him very much, even years after we stopped caring for him. heck, we don't even see him anymore. not even on hari raya.

i say my parents still love him very much, but what about me? i don't know anymore. i am finding it very hard to continue loving someone if i only see him once a year, during his birthday only. and this year, apparently, only an hour was allowed for my parents to see him. the fuck rite. it's not as if my cousin is the reigning emperor to some nation, seriously.

we do not gain anything when we request to see him. he is a kin of ours. he is the son of my mum's late youngest brother, for god's sake. even more than the fact that we were the ones who took care of him since he was born, till the time my uncle was diagnosed with cancer, through the really difficult time when we were all shuffling to and from the hospital, right to his very last moments on earth; the very fact that he is kin already makes it senseless that we have to tread on tiptoes when we request to see him. request, yes. and time and time again, my father gets a rejection sms. if he even does. most times, we don't hear any response at all.

maybe this is really a case of culture differences. maybe my aunt has really been waiting and pushing for us to cut all ties. the way things are going, it looks like it's very near in the future. no one hears anything about the mother and son all year. she calls when she needs us to pass messages like how she's not going to come for any and all family gatherings, weddings of family members. heck, even when my eldest uncle passed on, she didn't bother to make an appearance.

so today, i stood my ground and i refused to join my parents who were granted a one-hr mcdonald's date with mikaeil at compasspoint at 830am to celebrate his birthday. my father asked for 930am, and he was outright rejected with a flat no. so why do i not want to see them?

firstly, i am too angry with how things have turned out. despite us being very very patient and accommodating of the challenges she is facing as a single mother, and as a new muslim, she refuses to humour us at all. i think my parents have stooped low enough, many times, throwing away their prides, just so they could see the boy. just so they could get updates on how my aunt is coping with life. in my opinion, she has to stop carrying on as if she is queen.

secondly, i don't think i can take it when i see my parents disappointed after the breakfast bday celebration, that can hardly be called one. i know for sure that they will be disappointed and sad. my father will be trying his best to calm his emotions and my mother on the other hand will be lamenting about her sadness and regret. my heart will break even more than it is already broken. i know that my aunt will be cold. i know that the moment when they part will be painful, cos no one really knows when we get to see them again.

so right now, my mum is being all moody and angry at me cos i refused to go along with them. she asked how i could find it in my heart to not want to go. i don't say anything to her. but i think, i really can't find the compassion, kindness and willingness to go anymore. my longing to see mikaeil has been drowned by my disappointment and anger at how things have turned out. i believe that my mum is acting out against me like this cos i am very sure that the meeting they had earlier with my aunt and mikaeil only made her sadder. my dad seems very subdued. and i can see that he is trying his best to be genki about this matter to make my mum feel better.

for all the pain, heartache, worry, anger, longing and for me, for the lost love, i say, fuck la. fuck the saying that blood is thicker than water. cos right now, that is not how it works. for bringing gloomy days to this house, i hope she one day realises what she is doing. cos like it or not, no man is an island. no one action can be independent of causing effect on another person and his/her life through his/her actions. right now, even the memories of my late uncle cannot salvage this dark feeling in my heart.

Food for Thought.

2010-02-16T18:14:00.004+08:00

Attempt to justify my deliberate drowning and immersion of self in Japanese music and Japanese entertainment of all sorts.

Any discourse (primary or secondary) is for most people most of the time only mastered through acquisition, not learning. Thus, literacy is mastered through acquisition, not learning, that is, it requires exposure to models in natural, meaningful, and functional settings, and teaching is not liable to be very successful - it may even initially get in the way. Time spent on learning and not acquisition is time not well spent if the goal is mastery in performance.

Gee, James Paul. What is Literacy?

Also, from the very same article, this excerpt then justifies (or rather, makes me feel better about..) the thousands of dollars I have already spent on Japanese classes.

One cannot critique one discourse with another one (which is the only way to seriously criticize and thus change a discourse) unless one has meta-level knowledge in both discourses. And this meta-knowledge is best developed through learning, even when one has to a certain extent already acquired that discourse. Thus, powerful literacy, as defined above, almost always involve learning, and not just acquisition.

Gee, James Paul. What is Literacy?

This article is from one of the chapters I have to read for this week. It is quite an interesting read, actually.. Not as tough as the previous week's, at least.

So, anyhow, this is yet another example how and why in life, and in every thing we do, BALANCE is key... else, you ~~fail~~fall..

Classic ShoFail for you gaiz.

Max Brenner

2010-02-11T01:13:00.007+08:00

I was anticipating today cos I would finally be meeting up with my BFFs! ^^
Cos it's been quite some time since we caught up. And cos we all had so many updates for each other. Well, actually, more like they had, for me. My life's pretty stagnant at the moment. So I was just basking in their little joys and happiness. Loved it. :)

Very happy for Faizah who
1. is still so darn starstruck that she's on the brink of depression.
2. had prolly the most awesome appraisal at work. woohooo!~ good job babe! 8D

Day started with school. Which was rather uninteresting. I felt so dead for some reason.
And then while waiting for 179, I met Wei He!!!!! A classmate from JC. One of the guys in my class that I was closer to. That coincidental meeting instantly and markedly excited me. Cos he is still the same guy who makes very aunty-ish comments. So much so that I wonder who he really hangs out with during his free time. Lol. Still the same old Wei He. Who makes me laugh ever so genuinely. Who I do not mind when he speaks too loudly and excitedly on the bus, and he ALWAYS does that. He amuses me in soo many ways. He is one person who can make a lot of things seem innocent just because he is the one who is saying it. Whatever he says, if it came out from another person, would just be plain bitchy and gossipy. But because it's him, it's so funny. Haha. I simply love his exaggeratedly pessimistic take on life. HAHAHA. Oh God, please bless his lovely soul. (:

And then I went home to rest for half an hour before heading out to meet Faizah first at City Hall. Was waiting for the bus when this aunty stood diagonally behind me, at a very awkward spot at the bus stop, just so she could stand in the shade that is my shadow. -.-" Seriously, aunty?

Then finally met them! Had dinner and then we slowly walked to Max Brenner's at The Esplanade. Superb dessert!! The choc fudge cake was nothing like I've had before! Tutti-frutti waffles was very refreshing! But right, the highlight had to be my Classic Warm Apple Tart. For more reasons than one. HEHEHEHEH. 8D

Before I go on with the story, I will have you know that the guy who was working there - whom we later found out was the chef! *_* - was painfully cute. Too cute.

So my apple tart was supposed to be served with vanilla ice-cream and caramel sauce. When it was served to me, the ice-cream was missing. So we called for someone and told her that I thought that ice-cream was supposed to come with the apple tart. Then she said she'll check it with the chef. So check she did.

Then, the person who came back, was cute guy. Then I was served with the tart again. And the cuteass chef said that it was his mistake. He forgot the ice-cream. 8DD Sighhh. I almost replied saying that becasue it was you, it's okay. But I figured that would be too much. Hahaha.
After some time, he came around again. To ask me how the apple tart was. *blush* I said it was good, blah3. Can't really remember. Was enjoying the moment. ROFL. Cos he mentioned that the apple tart is a new item on the menu. Of course, I only said nice things. But really, it was really good. ^^
Thank goodness the spot we were at was dark, so he couldn't have seen me blushing my cheeks out. Hahah.

Then after that, when the crowd in the place lessened, he put on a pair of glasses. And I almost died just by looking at him. (:

Heavenly desserts and a really cute guy serving you. What more can I ask for. (:
Therefore, for many many reasons, tonight was a good night. It was such a happy night. (:

icon credit: lil-footprints@LJ

2010-02-06T02:35:00.001+08:00

Wah, I had a very lovely day with Emma today. Nice time spent just talking and laughing and not worrying about work. haha. I like. ^_^

Now, I'm tired. But wondering what to wear for Japanese class tomorrow. Hmmm.

Anyway, a few thoughts for the night.

Why do I bother?
Wait, do I even bother?
Why do they bother?
How do I ensure that obligation does not lead to hypocrisy?
What do I do? Really, what should I do?

With a great, big sigh, I shall retreat for the day. I'm expecting crazy CNY crowds in town tomorrow. -.-

Tiny note. I miss my bffs. Long time since I have had proper time with just them. The them that isn't busied out and stressed by work and school to entertain the me that is equally busied out and stressed by school. Grrr. :(

But, soon enough.. Top says.

Did that drive you crazy? It almost did me. O.0

Cash Studio Awesome Awesome fun. 8D

2010-02-01T19:23:00.005+08:00

Before I went to bed last night, I promised myself that today was going to be a good and happy day for me. After today, I will not be upset about some things anymore.

So I had a rather early night yesterday. Woke up to go to school for a group meeting that lasted a little longer than I have expected.

Anyway, at Pasir Ris MRT, bumped into an old classmate from TK. He's still so nice, soft-spoken and sweet.. We caught up for quite a bit, till he had to get off the train. But from the conversation we had, I realised how old we're getting. A few years back when we bumped into each other (and we always bump into each other in the MRT la) I remember him asking me if I had a boyfriend alr, attached alr or not and stuff like that. Well today, he asked me this, "Zatty, are you going to like get married anytime soon or something?"

HAHAHAH. The way he asked was very funny, but on hindsight, it reflects just how much people my age are supposed to - or rather, how much the society expects us to - have progressed in life. But seriously, if I consider the things that I have to do, the things that I have yet to do and the things that I want to do, marriage is still quite a long way down the road.. for me, at least.

Anyway, after group meeting in sch, I ran off to meet Sam at Bedok for karaoke. WHEEEE!~
And as I was leaving school, I saw a familiar face and I intuitively waved, smiled so widely and said hi to the person. After I walked past him who was seated, I suddenly realised that he's the cute guy that I kinda have a crush on last sem. LOL. In my 4 years here, I only saw him for the first time last sem in my eng class. And that was the last too. :/

Well then, karaoke. 3 whole hours. We started off at a normal room, but the Japanese collection was *sorry* pathetic. Then I got really upset, cos today was supposed to be an Arashi Karaoke Day. So Sam called the reception to ask if that was all... Cos my friend told me that they actually have good JPOP stuff. She's been there b4, and that was why I wanted to go there.

Next moment, the girl came in and told us that if we wanted the 'hardcore' Japanese songs, gotta change rooms. 8D So we shifted to the Japanese room! They have a totally different system; and the catalogue of songs easily exceeded tens of thousands, and I'm not kidding at all. But setback is that it is totally in Japanese.. I think they brought the machine pre-loaded with songs straight from Japan ah..

Oh! And the girl actually asked us, "You guys are Japanese ah?"
HAHAHA. A'ah, tengok muka kita ni sikit.

I searched for the Arashi page, and wow! They have hundreds of their songs!!! SO HAPPYYYY! Then we sang all our favourite Arashi songs. Danced to them. And I am so so happy now. (:

Huge thanks to Sam for coming along with me. I think she's the only person who can possibly sit around for 3 hours just listening to me singing Arashi songs and singing along too. Well, actually we sang a few other non-Arashi songs too. Whatever it is, that place has an awesome and pretty updated list of Japanese hit songs. And they're waaay cheaper than kbox! New hangout ah. LOL.

I want to go there again soon. ^^ It's prolly the best place with the best activity for a personal pick-me-up whenever I need it. For now. XD

LALALALALA~~

Japanese Class Structure

2010-01-31T16:27:00.006+08:00

I always forget what the structure of courses and classes is like at my Japanese school. Am going to post the table (part of) that is from Ikoma's website for easy reference. Plus I'm also very excited that I'm inching towards, albeit slowly, towards the end.

But as the saying goes, learning never ends. So at least, towards the end of me learning and studying how the Japanese language works at Ikoma, with the aid of Fujiwara sensei. ^^

Looks like the Advanced courses will span across quite some time. Whatever it is, I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that by the time I get to that stage, and the FA stages, there will be enough students to make a class, still. So sad if they can't open classes cos of poor response. Already, at the Intermediate level, a Tuesday class has been closed cos of students withdrawing themselves. :(

I shall not worry about this too much though. I'm very excited that I'm moving up some more! XD

~~Basic 1 - 60 hours~~
~~Basic 2 - 60 hours~~
~~JLPT 4 (Now JLPT-N5)~~
~~Intermediate 1 - 60 hours~~
Intermediate 2 - 60 hours
JLPT-N4
Pre-Advanced 1 - 60 hours
Pre-Advanced 2 - 60 hours
JLPT-N3*
Advanced 1 - 60 hours
Advanced 2 - 60 hours
Advanced 3 - 60 hours
Advanced 4 - 60 hours
JLPT-N2*
Further Advanced 1 - 60 hours
Further Advanced 2 - 60 hours
Further Advanced 3 - 60 hours
JLPT-N1*

* not really sure when these tests will be taken cos the structure of the JLPT has been changed wef 2010. hmm.

Completing all of this will take around 3+ more years or so. Provided I don't take any breaks.

頑張ります！

2010-01-28T17:40:00.005+08:00

omg i am so fucking pissed at green team right now, i can cry.

already they did not care one bit for service when i informed them of my stolen phone that was only one day old. i'm told red team gives their customers a voucher to help them in instances like this. but green team doesn't seem to give a flying fuck, okay.

it took them more than one freaking day, and that was with me pushing them through the means of an angry phone call in morning, for them to finally activate my replacement sim card. 3 hours later. never mind that i emphasised to them that i needed the connection pretty urgently on that day.

and then today, out of the blue, my sim card wasn't functioning again. people tried to call me many times, but they were told my number wasn't in service. smses couldn't get through and i couldn't get them out either. so i went back home and dialed **** again. they should thank their lucky stars they didn't make me wait for them to pick up the call.

so i angrily told the dude what had happened over the course of these 3 days. and i asked them what's going on. he asked for particulars, and then he simply said, "we'll reactivate your card within one hour". oh! so they actually DEactivated my card? for what reason?!

i asked him why it was deactivated in the first place, and he said they were undergoing some system enhancement at green team. yeah, your system's supposed to be enhanced, not screwing up your customers. i mean, it's not like i'm hankering after free service, i freaking pay for this, alright?

then i told him rather harshly that i hope this does not happen again because i have been really inconvenienced these past few days cos of stupid things like this. seriously. as if i don't feel horrible enough right. omg.

the guy then apologised and before he could finish his "thank you for calling.....", i hung up.
i'm really sorry that guy had to pick up my call. i wasn't nice. at all.

dear green team,

kurosaki says you suck.
he's glad my cable tv's now courtesy of the read team.

love,
me

icon credit: deawere@LJ

2010-01-26T21:13:00.004+08:00

It's been some time since I have felt this horrid. It's hideous. So much so that it feels like it's just a prank; and that one day, my stolen-on-day-one-iphone will be returned to me at my doorstep.

But who the fuck am I kidding right. If a good Samaritan actually is holding on to my phone right now, good Samaritan wouldn't have ended all incoming calls to the phone. Wouldn't have taken out the SIM card and whatnot.

I do not have the money to just pop into an Apple store to get another iphone w/o contract. Now I'm freaking stuck with an expensive plan; which I cannot make full use of cos my old phone is on the verge of death.

So how exactly am I dealing with this?

I'm praying hard that my old phone still croaks through till when I finally start work.
Meanwhile, I'm trying my very best to forget this whole traumatic matter. When I think about this incident, I will just end up crying. :/

It's just a phone, you say. But that phone translates to quiet a sum of money and that phone was something that I happened to really need at the moment.

I am glad that my family took it well. I was expecting an earful from my mum and brothers. But no. My mum rubbed my tummy to soothe me instead when I just cried in front of her in the kitchen. My brothers gave me kind looks cos I think they realised what it took for me to finally get the phone. And to lose it on day one... it's a little cruel. And my sister and her bf got me a tub of Haagen Dazs Melon ice cream just so I wouldn't feel too sad.

And my friends, were damn awesome too. They tried their best to look for the phone once we realised it was not in my bag anymore. Even though they were all so tired from a full day of work and school. They even accompanied me to Starhub when I went there to suspend my line. And then online (cos I was then uncontactable otherwise) , I received so much love. It was touching, really. Huggs every single one of you! <3

Best thing was that I didn't have to wish for karma to befall the pickpocket. For my friends, brother and sister have already wished horrible, horrible fates for him/her. It's quite morbid and painful, if you ask me, and I think I can't put it up here. HAHAHA.

On hindsight, maybe I am not destined to be an Apple user. Cos if you remember, 5 years ago, my pink ipod mini died a tragic death only when it was 6 months old. And it wasn't even my fault. Sigh.

But I tell myself, heads up!
All is not lost. And money can always be earned.

With that, I shall try to stop guilt-tripping myself, and I shall stop with the what-ifs.

Tomorrow shall be a good day! And tomorrow, I shall give an awesome presentation in class! 8D

These honeys are cheering me on from somewhere under the sun, so I'll be fine! ^^

gif credit: niannarashi@LJ

Huppy :((((

2010-01-03T14:03:00.003+08:00

Just for memories' sake.

1st January 2010 - Rest in Peace Huppy.

You'll be missed by everyone in the house; maybe especially by Betty.

I'll always be looking over you and your tree from where I am.

良いお年を！

2010-01-01T12:53:00.007+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!~ ^^

I have been anticipating the arrival of 2010 cos I simply can't wait for 2010 to happen. So now, I'm excited! XD

To sum 2009 up, I achieved what I had set out to do. There were 3 things that I told myself to do within 2009,

1. pick up Japanese lessons where I have left them. Take the JLPT4,
2. pull up my GPA some more,
3. to be able to live reasonably well without needing some people in my life,

and I'm glad that I have indeed accomplished them. Thanks to God for giving me the strength and the motivation. I'm quite proud of myself cos in other words, I actually carried out my resolutions for 2009!! Woohoo~ *beams* Lol. Very happy! (",)v

Well for 2010, there are a few more. Let's see... They are all interdependent so let's just say I just have one major resolution for 2010. I hope the motivation from 2009 will continue to burn to fuel me for 2010. Gonna be a rather tough year with major changes in my life; but just as tough as it will be, I know for sure that 2010 is going to be just as momentous. For, as of now, there are at least 2 major events/occasions that I am already anticipating with all my might. (:

Special thanks to family and friends for helping me achieve my goals set out for 2009. Couldn't have done them all without the support from you guys!

Let's have an awesome 2010!
頑張ろうね！！

말도 없이

2009-12-27T01:15:00.004+08:00

without a word you gave me love
without a word you made me know love
because you took just a breath and ran away like this
without a word love abandons me

-말도 없이

Wah, damn emo.
I want to run. and never stop.

you're sucha loser, you don't even know it.

2009-12-23T13:55:00.007+08:00

She's such a sad girl with a twisted heart.
She doesn't even know it.

Right;
I always am.
I woon't listen.

Oh, the immaturity. Oh, the pettiness.
Her mama knew too much attention would be bad.

Bees knew from the very first moment.

She'd be displeasing.
And displeasing, to the bees, she has been.
But the bees are too cool;
For her tantrums and mindless chatter.

Little did she know;
That the bees hated her.
Little did she know;
That no one was really there for her.

Hope you find peace with yourself and the world.

Best Japanese food I ever had.

2009-12-20T00:55:00.012+08:00

After class today, I met up with Sam and Yan. Yan wanted us to try out this Japanese restaurant that just opened in Orchard Central. She has been there a few times and she said that when she first tasted the food, she thought of us. So sweet. :)

We had to queue for more than half an hour to get in. And omg it was worth it. That was the best Japanese food I have ever had. Sam and I was really blown away. Too awesome to be true. So before I start assaulting this space with pictures and descriptions of good food, here are some visual treats to get us all in the mood. (:

These were the kinds of faces we made when we all had our first taste of the food.

Ok. So the restaurant is called Ootoya. I think that it is the first store outside of Japan that they have. According to them, it is a family style restaurant that serves authentic Japanese cuisine. So none of the sushi stuff. And damn, if this was family style, I wonder about the kaiseki kinds of cuisine. 0.0.
Here's a link to the restaurant's website. But it's all in Japanese only. But do feast on the pics of their menu. 8D

This was the Scallop Rice w Soup set that we got.

Scallops were so sweet and tender. The soup and the tofu was quality. The rice was continually being 'steamed' or rather, heated as we ate.

K then we also had the Grilled Mackerel set. I never understood it when the Japanese review fish and describe them as being deliciously fatty. But tonight, I did. Fatty fish was a first; definitely not my last. :3

The other set we ordered was this. Charcoal Grilled Chicken and Egg. Oh my. Damn good.

Ouh, and the miso soup was rich. Not stingy with the miso paste, nor the wakame. Plus, they had radish in it.

Alritey, still not done! Dessert was next. ^^

This was the mochi with matcha jelly and ice cream. Also served with red beans and soya syrup. Yummmmmm. *slurps*

And next is the Hokkaido Milk ice-cream with jelly-like mochi. And soya bean powder. Also served with soya syrup. 0.0

NGL. These were nothing short of heavenly.

So, this sums up my virgin experience with authentic Japanese cuisine. Home-style at that. Very highly recommended. :)

All through dinner our faces were distorted with amazement at how good the quality of the food was. Just quite like these ppl. :D

Alright. I'm sorry if I accidentally murdered your connection with the overload of pics and gifs. I'd like to believe they're for a good cause. 8)

gif credit as labelled.

Sakurai Sakutaro's qoute

2009-12-14T14:47:00.001+08:00

With no names, no academic background or job, no gender or nationality, who are you?

- Sakurai Sakutaro

Yano's painted room!

2009-12-13T20:48:00.005+08:00

So apparently today at ard 6PM Singapore time, Yamapi wrote in his nikki that a normal wooden pencil can draw a 50km line. o.o/

That's a long line. And very random, Pi. But thanks, stuff like this legitimises fangirling. Not that I actually care if it is or not. But just so. ^^

Anyway, my back is hurting. Cos today me and Yano spent 8 hours painting her room! 8D
And hey, jangan main2, her room looks so funky and chic sey noww. It's so bright and dark at the same time, it instantaneously awakens your happy cells and it's way cooler than my room.

I told her she should have a room-warming party. I'd be happy to explain to her guests how her walls got their colour. Haha.

Anyway, here's Jeremy sneaking a peek into Yano's room.

The whole world should watch You're Beautiful. I just finished it and I'm having withdrawal symptoms. :(

icon/gif credit: svetliachock@LJ

2009-12-08T14:09:00.001+08:00

"the truly painful goodbyes are those that are never said and never explained"

true much?

2009-12-04T03:45:00.003+08:00

I really really hope that Ikimonogakari will be having a live concert around this time next year.

i'm not the one who's already married. 0.0

2009-11-28T23:51:00.004+08:00

Beautiful song by Shiina Ringo. OST for Jun's drama, SMILE. (:

有り余る富 [Overflowing Wealth]

We can’t see the wealth in our hands
They can’t steal it or destroy it
The world can only be jealous

If they ever steal something from you
Then it was worthless anyway
You shouldn’t have to ask for it back
Because its value is attached to your soul

We can buy the wealth in their hands
We’ll never be able to count or lose ours
The world is still unhappy

If their words ever make you sad
Then that’s not amusing
It shouldn’t make you cry
Because words always include lies

Your shadow is shaking
The sundial says we can only meet today
Proof that the familiar summer is close by
You have an excess of things to be happy about
They’re all yours
Let me see your smile

If they ever steal something from you
Then it was worthless anyway
You shouldn’t have to ask for it back
Because its value is attached to your soul

See? Your wealth is overflowing
*

No, her careless remark about me having a 'sad' life cos I have classes on Saturday evenings 'when everyone is out having fun' will not affect me.

amazing world

2009-11-27T00:01:00.002+08:00

I'm amazed by how strong people are.
I'm amazed by how people can put their emotions aside cos they have more important things to tend to.
I'm amazed by how gentle their souls can be.

On the other hand.

I'm amazed by how some can be so full of spite and ego.
I'm amazed by how some can be so full of spite and ego at the expense of so-called friends and family.
I'm amazed how childish they actually are.
I'm amazed at the amount of attention some actually need in order to prove their worth to themselves.

But alas I am not one to judge.
For that's just how People are.

finallyy!~

2009-11-26T02:26:00.008+08:00

Today marked the official end to the most stressful and toughest semester I ever had in my 3.5 years in NIE so far. Went by with quite a bit of hiccups but all is well now, I hope.

Well, I had my last paper today. It was a little scary cos the classes for this particular module actually ended quite early.. One of the first few modules to end actually. So I was actually quite rusty at it alr. But that's why we all have to study rite? :p
Anndd since class ended rather early for this module, I haven't seen my classmates for quite some time already. And amongst all the people that I haven't seen for some time, I saw someone. :) I actually forgot that I was supposed to have this cute crush on this guy. HAHA. When I saw him, then I remembered. Ok I shall not speak more of this. I don't think I'll ever see him, talk to him and smile at him ever again. So sad. I haven't seen him before at all prior to this module, and next sem he's going for practicum and thus taking modules with no exams. Oh sigh.

And then after the paper today, I caught Gokusen The Movie. Because of Kame. I am very sick of the storyline actually; can't even bring myself to finish season 3 no matter how I force myself. But the movie was surprisingly ok. Kame's face was just so so pleasant to look at. SO handsome. And tall Hayami Mokomichi was so darn hot cannn. Now, these are my kinds of perfection. ^^ I think the best bit about the movie has to be the small parts when all her ex-students right from season 1 dropped by for their own separate cameo appearances in the movie. Best!

Thanks Sam for the movie!!

So, I have changed the skins of my blog. And LJ's too. Cos that was one of the things that I have been wanting to do after my exams. Was just so bored of the old ones. Glad I could find a few I liked. (:

And now, an obligatory gif cos Oh-chan just turned 29 two hrs ago! :))

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RIIDA!~
8D

gif credit: wannatee_1984@LJ

hmm

2009-11-23T23:20:00.002+08:00

I was surfing the net and somehow stumbled upon the JET programme website. Read it and then got excited cos Singapore is now officially in the list of eligible and accepted country for applicants to the programme. But I have to be really patient cos it'll be at least 5 years till I can start to even apply. (:

It's ok. That gives me time to build up my portfolio and to make myself seem more impressive than I actually am. HAHA.

One more paper and I'm done! Wednesday come quickkk!! 8D

疲れただけど嬉しい！

2009-11-22T01:46:00.004+08:00

I'm so tired. I thought a shower would freshen me up so I could study tonight. But it seems to have accentuated my weariness physically. Damn.

But I'm happy. Spirits are up. For I had a nice surprise today after my Japanese class. Hehe.
What do you call something that's not really a secret, but it's something that you don't tell everyone? Or it's something that you keep to yourselves? Hehe.
That thing is fun! :)

THANK YOUUU!~

i didn't make this gif!

gaseumi appa

2009-11-20T23:50:00.006+08:00

My palms and fingers are hurting from the shock of excessive writing for my exam papers yesterday and earlier today.

And they're not getting any rest cos I'm now rushing against time to complete the past yr JLPT papers by tmr.

icon credit: maxiechan@LJ

It's not enough that my hands are in pain, my heart just got subjected to pain too. (cey~ so drama. but i'm really hurt ok? :<)

Anyway, Mason Moon is sooo cute. I break into a huge smile and melt every time I see his face! (And that is not him up there. He's the cuteass kiddo in my previous post.)

And I have this inclination to turn off the 'shuffle' function and turn on the 'repeat one' function on my iTunes whenever 5x10 comes on. Be it the album version or the sub-quality fan-recorded audio from their concert at Budoukan earlier. Such a heartfelt song. Sigh. I put it on repeat every single time...

Ok! Stay warm! And especially to Ana, keep your toes warm!
I gotta go study and do more work.

Finally, this gif is dedicated to all who feels very -.-" about having to do work and study and basically do things against your will. When your will is to just lie snuggled up in bed under the covers in this wonderfully cool weather. Enjoy.

Let's throw a huge tantrum together. 8D

gif credit: amnostashima@LJ

I dun care if I'm spamming my own blog with lotsa gifs that slow down your whatever.

2009-11-17T00:24:00.005+08:00

i'm looking for any and every sorryass excuse to not study.
but i know i should not be doing that.
tsk.

even baby Mason is telling me to stop it.

seriously, he is the cutest baby i have ever come across. beats any other baby hands down.
*squishyhugsandkissesmasonnn!!*

シアワセ

2009-11-16T01:29:00.005+08:00

I am filled with happy and nice emotions. (:

Met up with the girls for 2012; which I liked. And then had dinner.
Had ramen, something that I have been craving for quite some time. Hehe. After which, was presented with my birthday present. But getting to my 'real' gift wasn't so easy. Had to answer questions and take some risks. HAHA. Fun. I won an awesome bag from Esprit. Love it man. It's really cute with the dinosaur teeth thingy. Lol. My sister said it had a Korean concept/feel to it. :)))

THANKS FOR MOVIE, DINNER, PREZZIE! You know I love you guys! ^^

Then I got home, we cut the birthday cake! It was extra sedap today. Yumm. Ice-cream cake is <3. My parents and brothers got me and my sister perfumes. We have quite a supply of the nice-smelling thingys now. haha. We're gonna smell niceeee... Then Sister got me a really pretty, oriental 2010 planner/diary. Think I'm gonna use it as my personal diary too. The moment I saw it, I actually envisioned myself writing in it, about my travels, which will be in Japan around this time next year. :D Talk about forward-looking. Heh.

Well, besides all the wonderful gifts I got, I am also very thankful for the birthday messages and wishes I received. From the people closest to me, to the people who were at one point in my life, the closest to me. From friends with whom I have not met nor spoken to in a really long time. From friends whom I did not wish a happy birthday to on their days. ~~damnn~~.
On the phone, through sms and also on fb. I'm touched. :)

This is one saving grace about having your birthday smack in the middle of exams. It lifts you up from the gloomy, boring mood.

Ps. You guys remember? Sassafrass just turned 1! (:

here i am again!

2009-11-08T04:20:00.000+08:00

It's 4:10AM now. And I have just completed my part for the group unit plan thingy!
veryhappyveryhappyveryhappy!~
I can take a wee bit of a breather before I embark on my very last assignment for this sem. XD

Whee~

And I was looking through my iTunes as I was skipping songs to find ones that would put me in work mode.
I realise that I have so many pretty album arts for my songs! I soo can't wait to get the iPod touch just so I can enjoy all the album arts. Sigh. Money, come quickkkk la.

Ok, shall retire now. Bye!

いちょう

2009-11-07T23:53:00.003+08:00

I'm happy cos I got pretty good results for the JLPT mock test I took last week, which was the 1999 paper. :3

But now, ~~the harsh and meddlesome part of reality beckons and~~ I'm off to do a write-up for a unit plan.

Yeay!

gif: murii@LJ

howww

2009-11-03T22:21:00.002+08:00

I am in a major dilemma.
Something not directly related to me.
But definitely close enough to my heart.

I know I should do something.
But I really don't know if I should.
And if I do, how do I do it?

Tsk.

I wanna meet my babes. I need advice. :((

Fuyu no Nioi

2009-11-01T02:17:00.004+08:00

This is from 2003; but tonight, it's playing on loop in my playlist.

Arashi - Fuyu no Nioi (The scent of Winter)

17 minutes before the next train, it's cold even if I crouch.
From a distance, I can see street lights burn like my furious heart.
I received a mail from my friends, they are already gathering.
I replied with frozen fingers and my Japanese seems weird.

I immediately bought a coat when winter came. Unknowingly, I already got used to it.

The times I cannot remember are increasing.
I'm expecting new encounters.
I'm alright even if you are not here, it's my life.
Sometimes in my heart,
it keeps on repeating over and over.
Now, I won't say "I want to see you."

If I think it's already okay, I would be careless and might cause more hardships.
Just like a flu, getting sick again after recovering.

It's not bad to look for some interesting things.

What if it snows tomorrow?
No way, it probably wouldn't snow.
It won't happen so conveniently, it's my life.
My white breath melts at night.
My memories of your face is burning away.
Now, I won't say "I want to see you."

There are traces of scribbles on the rusty fence.
From the bridge that continues to the sloped streets.

The times I cannot remember are increasing.
I'm expecting new encounters.
I'm alright even if you are not here, it's my life.
We are going to see each other again someday, right?
Somewhere on that familiar narrow street.
It probably wouldn't go that well, it's my life.

Sometime in my heart,
it keeps on repeating over and over.
Now, I won't say "I want to see you."

again&again&again&again

2009-11-01T01:18:00.003+08:00

Took the mock JLPT4 just now. Was okaayy. A few mistakes.
Complexity was manageable, but time was very tight.

Anyhow, met Faizah after. We had sushi from Taka. They increased their price. :( Maybe that was why the sushi tasted so sedap tonight.
And then had dango too!! So niceeee~.

Explored part of Ion too. For the first time. Even though I walk pass it every single Saturday.
And we discovered that the food hall at the basement is practically mini Japan.
The dangos they sold were cuter too. lol. Heck, they even had Japanese people there to sell the food! And there, we spotted a reeeally cute Japanese patissier. In action somemore!
*swoon*

On a different note, it's scary how I cannot control some of my feelings and emotions anymore.
I was never one to just break down and cry, no matter how sad I may be feeling. I hope this is just a phase. A really stupid phase. I should get over it already.

Alritey, darlings. It's time for coffee, talk about globalisation and some fangirling in between.

Happy Hallooween!

argh.

2009-10-27T01:57:00.002+08:00

i hate how life is a world of uncertainties.
i hate that everything you do, or not do, has consequences.
i hate how i can't think straight and then get myself into shit.
i hate that i miss people who are do not miss me.
i hate how my soul seems to have left me.
i hate that people hurt and get hurt.
i hate how anyone can make me cry.
most of all, i hate the mistakes i have done.
cos i hate that whatever i'm living for right now might not be there anymore in the end.

i fucking hate that i'm slowly losing hope.

i shall put it all behind me.

2009-10-25T03:57:00.003+08:00

I'm at the Carlton Hotel now. Slumber partaay with the babes. Yano, Faizah, Ana, Laura, Emma & Shaf.

Well, it's 4am now and they're all asleep and gonna be up in abt an hour's time.
As for me, I'm just enjoying the bird's eye view of a rather deserted, dark City Hall and the Raffles Place area. It's surprisingly a very serene sight. Puts me at ease somehow. :) And there are many many cabs whizzing around here..

This is very comfy and I hope time will stand still just like this. そのままに。。
If only my problems and worries would stay away from me. I wish they would stop haunting me.
Just like now.

This is only gonna last for a few more hours.
So I'm going to continue enjoying this. Bye!

wtf moment

2009-10-23T06:27:00.005+08:00

Time check: 6:24am

I just came back home after leaving the house just less than a minute earlier.
So what happened?

I got up at 5:15, took a shower, got ready and left. For school.
Just as I was taking the first step down to the lift, I remembered sth.
It's e-learning for AMX today. -.-"
"where there is no lecture, there will be no tutorial for the week"

At least, I remembered that. Although it was a lil late, it wasn't too late.
Have I mentioned already how much I hate e-learning weeks?
Not that I love going to school so much. But. You get the idea.

Fail much?

gif credit: amnostashima@LJ

lovin' life?

2009-10-21T07:29:00.003+08:00

What shall I dooo..
My stomach cramps are killing me.
:(

And I have a sudden craving for the irregularly-shaped, hand-made fishballs that my grandma cooks in soup. :(

gif credit: amnostashima@LJ

Donate pls!

2009-10-18T17:33:00.004+08:00

The re-run of the President's Star Challenge is on now outside. Can hear it from my room.
And you know what, I really don't like that the celebrities make it sound like they're working so hard, and THEREFORE, viewers at home should donate.

This lady/girl was saying sth like this,
"It was really difficult. And I'm sure picking up the phone to call the donation lines is much easier".
(She was referring to the item she had just performed)

Like wth. That is not going to make me donate. If people were to donate, it'd have to be for the beneficiaries, not for the effort put in by celebs dancing around awkwardly while singing. pft.

Anyway, I apologise that I'm not an over-achiever.

And my back is really, really hurting again. I'm so sick of not feeling well.

help :/

2009-10-11T21:35:00.003+08:00

With regards to school, I'm in a rut.
I AM SO SICK OF SCHOOL.
I've really had enough of endless group projects and meetings.
I've written so many essays.
My mind refuses to work anymore. I have been fully mentally exhausted.
I can be staring at my word document for hours and only a few sentences would have been typed.
Seriously, this is taking a toll on me.

I'm so cranky and moody, I hate it. Rawr.

Tonight, I figured that I just cannot write another essay on my study table. So I migrated outside to the living room in front of the teevee.
Played MSSL '08 in the background for a while. And then I switched to Shounen Club. Anyway, show just ended. Now, NHK is showing some kind of news programme. It was reviewing the economic situation in Asia.

First they showed the Merlion, and then some people looking at those condo/HDB models thingy.. (you know, the kinds of footage we always see in the news about people buying homes) and then they interviewed this Singaporean man.

Man said, "We have money, what's the use of keeping it? Might as well spend it."

Then the scene cut to one in India, about a farmer.

Farmer said, "I don't have money and I'm very worried."

How in-your-face. Singaporeans should thank our lucky stars.

Anyway, here.
Not cos I'm feeling like a happy bunny like these 2 obviously are.
But just cos it makes me so happy looking at this.

THRILLER~

2009-10-10T01:37:00.005+08:00

The girls made me do something I wouldn't have willingly done under normal circumstances.
But thankful for that cos it turned out to be a very good workout; without it actually feeling as if it was one. Plus it was a darn good break from work.

I think I am stressed. Cos I just don't want school anymore.
It's really taking a toll on me. I'm tired, in all senses.
School's just not fun anymore, and I think that's bad enough a sign. :s
I'm upset.

And of course, to take me through times like these, I think of the good things to come. Albeit it coming only in a year's time.
Read Yano's blog. And I am excited that she's finding Arashi's songs to be familiar! Heeehee. n_n
This means that I can actually pester her to come with me to watch an Arashi concert in Japan in the near future!! XD
I'm planning to go for their next concert/tour after this 5x10 tour. Provided the dates fall during the school hols, that is. I have to make this happen. Better still, if they are having a concert during the time we'll be in Japan next yearrr. OMG. How freaking awesome! :)
Even if it means getting the tickets on the black market, and even if it means spending many hundreds of dollars on the tickets.

Okay, snap back to reality.
Gotta pack my bag for Japanese class tmr.
And I'm refusing to touch any school work tonight.
Shall have a nice drink, a small chat with my brother, a peek or two more at LJ and then I shall go to bed. :)
I'm tired. Thanks for today!

btw, i'm starting to feel a leetle hint of pain in my back. cld be because of my prolonged hours with the lappy or it could be a result of the activities earlier tonight, or both.
if it was because of tonight, then i really have not learned to not laugh at yano for stretching. :/

hontou?

2009-10-04T23:16:00.005+08:00

"You'll never recover from hurt done to you until you forgive it"

icon: jonisjuan@LJ

僕の初恋をキミに捧ぐ.

2009-10-03T01:12:00.002+08:00

It's 1AM now.
And God knows, I am so tired. I'm sleepy.My back and arms hurt from working on the lappy non-stop. I'm almost cranky.

But I cannot give in to my whims. I have to stay up and start my research paper.
I'm really scared about tackling this paper especially when it's due a couple of days away.
But I shall put on a brave front and do this well.

Rest well, all.

僕の初恋をキミに捧ぐ. :)

oh my god.

2009-09-29T00:06:00.009+08:00

Okay, major rant.
Had two group meetings back to back today. Followed by tuition. Whole day was just gone like that.
And I have group meetings every single day of this week. I'm barely coping. tsk.

And here, is my to-do list, to be completed before the 'recess' week ends. And after each group meeting, the list freaking grows can. Goodness. I'm reeeaally going nuts here!

So this is what is due once this week is over.
1. A 20 page individual research paper on Family Language Policy.
2. A 1500 word essay based on 3 sets of thick readings which I'm not even halfway through.
3. A seminar for the class on Bilingualism Education. (at least this is a pair thingy)
4. A Differentiated Instruction SS Lesson Plan.

And in the next 3 weeks that follow, I have 10 assignments due in that span of time. Averaging about 3 assignments per week. Slightly better than next week, you say.

Not to mention the 3 other SS modules. People are not being nice to me about this. What the fuck is with the rush for the 3 other SS presentations that are between as far as 3 weeks away and 2 weeks away. The meetings for these presentations are taking up every single day of this week. And no... no one wants to compromise and slow down. Everyone doesn't want to "drag this any longer". Cos they're all smarty-pants who work oh-so-diligently.

Srsly, wtf. It's almost a month away!
Just cos these people ONLY have these deadlines.
Srsly, wtf.

I NEED TIME.

And when I get done with this semester, this is what I deserve.

The 3 of them. The cute-faced Shiori jumping up and down for me. Hot Toma clapping his hands away as if his life depended on it and shortie Riida with a huge bouquet of flowers for me.

pft.

credit as in gif!

STOP FUCKING WASTING MY TIME CAN

2009-09-27T00:15:00.004+08:00

I don't attend group meetings to wait for other people to complete what they were assigned to do BEOFRE the bloody meeting.

Technology is technology. It fails us sometimes, but there ARE ways to get around these problems okaayy. Do I need to tell you the obvious?
Don't act as if you're THAT stupid la. I know you're not.

omg. seriously, so many people waste your precious time especially when you don't have enough of it.

Even Ohno's not pleased.

icon made by: lj user=minorsport.

2009-09-25T23:15:00.001+08:00

I cringe. :/

Only magic can undo time.

burp*

2009-09-24T18:45:00.002+08:00

Had a good lunch with in school today. Yummm.
And then I got to vent out some frustrations. Thanks for listening even though you've already got more than enough on your plate. :)

In conclusion, I feel that some people need to wake up.
They may have had their shit picked up after them; for them; all their lives.
But at some point, they've got to freaking learn to be responsible.
As for where I stand in this - I have had enough. I believe I have done enough.
I'm not going to do anything about it. Even though it may spell trouble for Some Other People if I don't.
Maybe it's time they take the rap for their actions/mistakes or whatever you want to call it.
Maybe when they finally realise that their ways actually affect Some Other People in truly inconvenient ways, they might feel a tiny bit of guilt or something like that.
I'm going to be utterly selfish. I'm going to sit and watch.
I'm not going to say another word about it.
Cos if there's anything in this world that pisses me off bad, it's people not being responsible for their own bloody actions. That, and people who do not give a hoot about the consequences of their own actions.

Let's see if sense finds its way home.

Selamat Hari Raya! Eid Mubarak!

2009-09-21T02:22:00.003+08:00

I just watched this documentary and I'm recommending it to all my teacher friends.
If you have the time, do watch this.

We have strict, rigid SOWs that we have to work with just to keep up with what the ministry says our kids should learn and by when. But because of such a focus and amidst the rush to get it all done and covered, we very often fail to see that our kids are just kids, and they are above all else, they are people. Perhaps what is just as important, or more important than the textbooks are the lessons out of.

What you will see in the video, is probably something only teachers can do, cos of the very definition of what we are.

I promise you that it's totally unlike the boring, pedagogical videos that they make us watch in NIE. Hehe. It's really quite easy to watch. And this one really moved me.

HERE's the link to the first part. The rest will be easy to find.

Hope you'll enjoy it too! :)

anyeong haseyo~

2009-09-18T03:53:00.003+08:00

Heyhey!~

It's 5 mins to 4 in the morning! And here I am, trying to be a hero of some sort, for a greater good which I hope I am not imagining, churning out a Social Studies lesson plan, while trying to fight off the flu bug and trying to ignore the nagging pain in my throat.

I'm not sure what the requirements for this differentiated lesson plan assignment are, in terms of the time frame, like how many periods and stuff like that. I have no idea what got into me. But the one I'm planning right now is gonna span a few weeks. So ambitious for what.

Anyway, Ramadan totally flew by. I absolutely lost track of time and the reality that raya is round this weekend just hit me a couple of days ago. So cos I realised it a little too late, there will be no cookies this year at my house. Sorry you won't have any pineapple tarts this year Father!! You'll get them next year. I promise!

So my brother returned from Korea already!! He said he won't want to go back to Seoul. :((
I asked why and he said that it's a wonderland for girls. But for guys like him, there's nothing much in store for them. oh well.
He bought me FT Island stuffz! Hahaha. So happy. ^v^
My sister got SNSD stuff. She's very happy too.

Oh, and I saw his pics. Mt. Sora was soo gorgeous! Seoul looked just like how they look like in the dramas and movies. Haha.
Have to go there.

My camera experienced Korea on my behalf, and now it's back!

How like that?

2009-09-04T21:32:00.002+08:00

What do you do?

It's something you have been ignoring for at least 2 years now.
Might have been longer, you can't remember.

It's not like there's nothing you can do.
It's there. Not the solution, the issue.
But you know you shouldn't do it.
Cos if either one of you does it, someone's got to sacrifice huge.
And you know that it's way too huge. For you.
And for you.

Ignore it as you might, it keeps coming back now and then.

SIGH.
（・_；）

sjkfhasuifhervjo!!!

2009-09-03T11:38:00.002+08:00

YEAY!
I received reeallly good news this morning at ard 6AM.
I was looking ard in LJ, andd....

F.T Island is coming back to Singapore! :DDDD

I AM HAPPY. ^V^

Obviously, I'm going to go get tickets. It will be an early birthday present for myself this year.
XD

Upsetzzzzzz.

2009-08-28T23:17:00.003+08:00

Uber upset.
My Vaio died. Just did.
And I have a Japanese test tmr. It covers everything from day one.
I have not started studying at all, no time.
But now, I'm leaving the room to go catch 2Days 1Night.
That will make me feel better. And some mochi ice-cream.

Bye.

yeay!~

2009-08-16T01:36:00.003+08:00

I collected the registration form for JLPT4 earlier today during a break in class.
Yeay!~

And the guy who basically ensures that the school runs smoothly knows my name! Cool. He was like, "Sabrina, right?". ^^

Fyi, a lot of people just address me as Sabrina when they get intimidated by Zatty. Not sure how to pronounce, so shall just read the name I see more often. Foolproof.

Well, anyway, the guy remembers me as Sabrina. And I don't even know how he remembers me as Sabrina also. I've corresponded with him quite a bit but only through emails and phone calls. And he thought that I was going to register for JLPT3 instead. I'm flattered, but I think it's just that he's seen me since 2 years ago and by right, I should be JLPT3-ing end this year. Oh well!

scratchy scratchy

2009-08-14T21:46:00.002+08:00

The writer's block prompt on LJ today is : Have you ever bought a stranger a drink?

Well, I have never bought any stranger a drink. I think.

But I'll tell you that I have scratched a stranger on the bus before with my nails. Today.
And he got off the bus at the next stop.

Lol. He really was supposed to get off the bus. He was asking his friends where they should alight.

Of course I said sorry. And he was nice about it. ^^

goodbye relaxing days. hello assignments.

2009-08-10T21:31:00.003+08:00

Tonight marks the end of my 4-month long vacation.
I have definitely rested enough. But still, the jitters of starting a new semester, being a 7-module heavy semeter at that, is there. :s
I'm having mixed feelings about starting school. A few reasons why I'm actually looking forward to these next 2 sems. But there are also a few other reasons why I'm not. x|

The consolation is that I'm nearing graduation, and that next semester is a fairly relaxed one with only 3 modules. sweeet. *v*

Anyways, I was talking to my brother about how I have to alter my sleeping pattern last week cos school was starting. But I don't really have to do that for my first day tmr. Cos my only class starts at 630PM.

Let's work hard this sem!!

simple happy.

2009-08-01T02:07:00.001+08:00

I'm very happy. ^^
Someone from far, far away made my day tonight.

lalala~

2009-07-31T01:36:00.006+08:00

I wonder.
I just wonder.

あの時何処へ行ってたの。。

元気か。幸せか。もう分からない。
ただ突然に彼方の生活の如何することがなんか知って欲しい。
でも私が何も遣らないでしょう。

2009-07-30T02:42:00.002+08:00

I figured that if there was one thing that would not enable me to live alone successfully, it would be fighting cockroaches.

I can spray them with stuff till they turn over and stop moving, but then, who's gonna help me throw it out? :s

2009-07-22T00:02:00.003+08:00

My grandma was warded in hospital late last night.
Had a really high fever, and due to her old age, there were complications.

So today, we spent the day at the hospital. And with the H1N1 thingy going on, it was so terribly troublesome for us to visit her and physically spend time with her.

I felt sad as I looked at her. Both her arms were bruised from the drips and the tubes they use to put some blood into her system.
This was the first time she's ever been hospitalised. She's always been healthy, fit and rather sturdy.. but I guess age has really caught up with her. Sigh..

It was sad to leave her at the hospital alone just now. But oh well.
Pray for the best.

2009-07-20T03:00:00.001+08:00

Harry Potter-ed!

2009-07-12T03:30:00.003+08:00

It absolutely annoys me to see you think that.
They don't deserve a or-something-like-that following their name.
In the name of dignity, figure it out properly, or just shut up.

Thank you.

Course Registration

2009-07-08T20:11:00.002+08:00

In preparation for the next semester in school, I registered for modules yesterday.
Have to take 3 SS modules, 1 'essential' module [don't know what that reeaally means] and 3 English electives.

Seeing that the 3 electives that interested me were the ones that had only a quota of 25 students each, I logged in to the system before 10am [that's when registration starts] and when the clock hit 10, I immediately started to register for my electives first. Lol.

SO kiasu, I know.

But, hey, I got my choices! Yippee.. According to some friends, by 10:05, those classes were full already. Phew~ Taken up by irritating kiasu ppl like yours truly. x.x

One more precious month!

Happy Birthday Yano!~

2009-07-06T03:17:00.005+08:00

Happy 23rd Birthday Yano!

After ten years, I don't really know what I should say to you on your birthday. Dang, but then again, I think we're past all that, aren't we? Hehe.

Anyway, here, I dedicate this song to you for your 23rd birthday.
It's Arashi's latest single, Everything. XD.
Not just cos it's Arashi, but cos I thought that it was really meaningful. *winks*

Arashi - Everything

The passing rain draws closer, the smell of the city is bittersweet
The shadows left on the pavement seemed different than usual
As if the everchanging sky was reflecting my wavering heart,
The world continues turning at a fast pace

The signal that changes from red to green
In the midst of a journey of no return
I want to go forward believing in tomorrow
Alone in this evening shower
There may be times when I stop and look back
But I won't be afraid of anything

The evening sunflowers that I can see from the window after the rain
Are dyed by the sunset and waiting for the sunrise
Sometimes it seems like I'll lose sight of what's important
But I walk on holding the feelings I won't let go

Dyed with a brilliant blue
The future sketched out endless dreams
Moistening my dry heart
In the midst of this limited time
I strongly carved the emotions into my heart
The sun will rise again

Even knowing what I would see
When I cross this long hill
I don't want to have regrets
I'll keep going and shine on tomorrow like the sun

The signal that changes from red to green
In the midst of a journey of no return
I want to go forward believing in tomorrow

Run run, reach out your hands to your dreams
Shout shout, as long as your voice goes on
In the way that your heart feels

translations: nyanchan@livejournal
I do not own the song nor the lyrics. Rights are owned by Arashi, Johnny & Associates.

I just find this song refreshingly inspirational. Hope it does the same to you too!
And yes, change might just be good. ^^

2009-07-02T00:58:00.003+08:00

Tonight's 2 Days 1 Night has got to be one of the funnest and funniest so far!
We laughed till we shed some tears, and till our tummies and chests hurt. :s
Seriously, that is the only show I anticipate on teevee. Even with cable, nothing on teevee seems enticing anymore... Maybe cept for Chibi Maruko-chan.
Yeahh, that's it.

And sue me please. For I am in the not-very-thankful mood.

The whole day today, I was distracted with thinking about things that I want. Really want right now. So unfocused that whatever I cooked today was so darn spicy.. sssss.

1. I want money. Cos with money, I can get all that I want. Well, almost.
2. I want the Nikon Coolpix P90. Yes, I do. My camera wants to retire after 3 busy years.
3. I want to be Hongki's scandal. On MNet and in RL.
4. The last is obvious. If I mention it one more time, ears might bleed. So I'll leave it.

I need to remind myself to do my Japanese homework tomorrow night.

k bye. call me if you happen to be able to grant any of my wishes. thanks.

omg. grave primadonna mistake.

2009-06-29T01:15:00.010+08:00

I just saw some of the pics Faizah took at FT Island's showcase yesterday.

And, surprise surprise. Seunghyun wasn't wearing anything on his head contrary to what I said in the earlier post! Super lol. His hair was so wavy and puffy that I remembered it to be a head gear thingy.
HAHA.

Anyway, as promised. ^^

Aargh. *pinchcheeksquishes*

He really looks like he put on weight here. Which is a happy thing. Seeing how they are flying here and there, for work, the least they could do is feed them right. Hurhur. These boys work a leetle too hard, imho.
Oh well. Kudos to their management company for not starving them like how some other companies do some other pretty Korean boys. :s

Gosh. This is SUCH a fangirl post. Sorry it ended up on blogger. -.-" x-posted on LJ too.
Just thought that this was such a huge part of my life yesterday.
That; and spreading some Hongki love here. :D
Whee~

I feel like going cold turkey to be rid of withdrawal symptoms.
Should I? Not totally... but cut back a little?
I don't know, it feels like it might work..

FT Island Showcase: A Primadonna's Report

2009-06-27T22:56:00.007+08:00

8D.

3:20PM Dragonfly@StJames

"Heyhey!!"
That was how Hongki started the whole mini-concert/showcase.

And I went sjdfns;aunfaizah!!a;khuncskdjn.

They really tried to communicate with us in English and it was darrrnnn cute! Super adorable.
The accent, the simple, sometimes out-of-place sentences. LOL.
Effort much appreciated. ^^

What struck me first was how smiley Jaejin was! So sweet! He was smiling all over; and sent the many fangirls squealing when he teased us all as he tested his bass guitar before they all started performing, putting on such a cheeky face at the same time. that was omgcuteness.
Well, in real-life, Jaejin looks just like how he looks on teevee. Innocent Cuteass.

And then Hongki was rather hyper. Jumping around, moving around. Argh.
He looks so pretty! The whole time, I couldn't take my eyes off him.. I only looked at the other boys as and when I realised that I've been eyeing Hongki too much. Hahaha.
Hongki was just pure love! It was too much it left me gushing till even after I left the place. :D Anyway, halfway through the show, he took off his jacket to reveal his arms in a tank top.
First thing that came to my mind was that his arms were fat! Haha. As in, his arms were not fat fat it was just not as toned as I expected them to be. Lol. He did look chubby just now in real-life. But still damn cute. If I thought that Jaejin was omgcuteness, then Hongki was OMGCUTENESS. (Esp in the pic Faizah got. Wow, that's a winner man. Once she passes me the pic, I will post it up. :p). Hongki was so cute, it was hot... (o.o)"
I was soo happy that he did his little "acting" thing during the Nappeun Yeojaya performance. Equipped with the menacing, angry stare. Wooot~

Seunghyun looked like a baby wrapped in a blankie just now cos of the thing had on his head. Hah. So yes, again, cute. ^^ (I need to expand my vocab)
But I found him to be quite apprehensive and cautious, somehow. Quite quiet compared to Hongki.. Ah-huh.
If I were to describe how he looked like in real-life, he looked just like Kim Beom. Yes, he did!! Soo cool. i wished he'd had let himself loose a little. But gotta give him credit for singing the parts that were once sung by Wonbin.. maybe still new to FTI, still a little shy? (I seriously doubt so. They look so chummy all the time. Hoho).
Or maybe he's nervous about the fans' reception to him replacing Wonbin. Whatever it was, he did great. I prefer him so much more to Wonbin actually. Hurhur.
And yeah, he did look like Kim Beom. I swear.

Jonghoon, I couldn't really see most of the time!! There was this big glass screen thing and he was totally behind that thing. Grr.
Only in the second part, I could see him on the guitar, playing it with soo much feeling, as always. Impressive. :)
And in real-life, he's hawt. As always.. Silently playing, almost in his own world. While still maintaing overall hawtness. *swoon*

What was really sad was that I couldn't really see Minhwan! I think no one could really see him.. :(
I could only the see the white headphones he had on. Ah sad, and wasted. So can't give any details about how he looks like personally. None to go down in my own memory too.
But his drumming was aweesoomme. I especially loved the part when Hongki was asking them to say their names and Minhwan refused. Then the fangirls screamed his name for him. And then Hongki asked him again, and then without a word, he broke into a drum solo thingy.
Uber cool.
My sister said that he prolly refused to answer cos he might have been scolded by the boys earlier before they went on stage. HAHA. Mean, but could be so true. XD

And then before they started their encore, Hongki had to explain why it had to end so fast.

"Today, we have a very little time.... (But) I am happy. You?!"

And of course you know how the fangirls responded. :D
When you're sucha fangirl, English like this becomes the most precious you've ever heard. It's cute ok. Haha. Again, I love them just for trying their best to communicate with us. Sweet. :)
The showcase was worth the money and the time spent waiting. They sounded exactly the same live, Hongki's voice is a killer. Argh. And I'm glad the venue was small. The boys were nearer. ^^

Thanks Faizah, for today! And for pics and a few vids! XD I hope Lovesick stays in your head. LOL.

Okay I'm suffering frm a little withdrawal now. Gonna run off to watch whatever I have of them in my dvd recorder. Music Bank, here I come. And ouh, that Unstoppable Wedding Special Episode with them too (minus Seunghyun :<). Gotta pay tribute to where it all started.

Byee! XDDD

x-posted to my LJ.

2009-06-26T11:37:00.000+08:00

RIP MJ.

You were a legend.

enlighten me & enlighten you.

2009-06-26T01:00:00.004+08:00

omgftislandisalreadyonsingaporesoilnow. 8D

And then I got even more excited when I got home and saw Hongki on teevee. Whee~

Anyway, because I have a date with F.T Island and Faizah this Saturday, I went for my Japanese class today.

Then in class, this lady asked me what I was doing in school. So I told her. And when she figured that I would be a teacher after I graduate, get this, she laughed her ass off. She laughed in my face for close to freaking ten seconds. Without an ounce of sensitivity and with tonnes of ignorance, that was the reaction she chose to display right in front of my eyes.

Well, fuck you, lady.
And no thanks, I do not need your so-called empathy.

I have SO have had it with remarks and reactions like these.
I have been keeping very quiet about this but I think it's time people realise that there ARE people who aspire to be teachers.
There ARE souls who are in it not just cos they have no other choice.

I, for one, have always wanted to be a teacher.
That was my plan in life. I have got some experience, so don't tell me that I don't know what I'm in for.
I'm sorry if you think that people like me don't exist.
I'm sorry if you get amused or disturbed that teaching is THE willing choice some people take in life.

I have had enough of people telling me in my face that NIE is a dumping ground of sorts. You tell me that, full well knowing that I'm slogging my ass in there. That tells me just how much respect you have for me; and how bloody ignorant and assuming you are.
I have had enough of how small and stupid people make me feel for wanting to be a teacher.

It's amazing how no one sniggers, laughs and smirks at any profession except for teaching.

I do not ask for people to change what they think about teachers and teaching; it's almost impossible unless you try teaching for yourself.
But what I ask for is to keep your insulting remarks, complaints and whatnots to yourself or to other like-minded people.
Stop being fucking ignorant of the feelings of others and be so comfortable with it.

I wonder who were the people who characterised teaching as a noble profession. I wanna go to where they are.

2009-06-20T22:07:00.008+08:00

Let me explain previous post.

Shameless sister hacked into my blogger acc and posted that.

No way in hell I would write sth like that, anywhere.

HAHA.

Well, well.

Today, I met someone and that someone irritated me like I never have been irritated before.

Said someone's a chinese woman in her late 30s, early 40s who attended my class today. She's not originally from my class; she's from the Thursday class I think.

Anyway...

Before class started, she turned around to me and spoke to me in Mandarin.

Then,

Me: Sorry, I don't speak Mandarin.

Her: OH. Okay. So you Malay ah?

Me: Yeap.

Then she just stared right at me wearing a very shocked face.

So I just smiled awkwardly and looked away. I mean, what else could I do.

Apparently, she was shocked that I'm not a Chinese; cos according to her, I look like one.

And that is more than fine, cos yes, I do look very Cina and in fact, I do have chinese blood. But in essence, I'm a Malay. But that was not the problem.

What came next was.

Her; with eyes wide open in utter disbelief: So, you can speak Japanese???

Me: Erm, yeah. I guess so.

OMG. That woman has a problem. In her world, only the Chinese CAN speak Japanese. And the nons, regardless of whether they have been attending proper Japanese language classes for a few years or not, cannot.

In my heart, I was like, excuse me.... Like you, I have been attending classes. So what the hell was it that made you as shocked as hell when you found out that a Malay girl can read and write Japanese. She's such a fuckface. Grr. Shall not even try to explain what happened next when she actually insisted that I gave her my answer and then announced it to the class as if it was her answer. Gosh.

Turns out, that woman just lives up to the belief I have that older learners tend to hold the class back everywhere they go. I'm know I'm being an evil fuckface myself for saying this, but a fact is a fact. Happens in NIE, it even happens in Ikoma. Can you blame me?

Well, not everyone, maybe, but most.

***

Anywayy.. on to happier stuff!

I'm back from my family vacation. Whee~ The week went by quite fast, as expected. And we wished that we did not have to come back to Singapore yet. But oh well, we had to, and we all did.

A few descriptions of Langkawi..

We touched down in Langkawi at night. So my first impression was that they have very very very starry skies. Super clear and pretty! ^^

And, the roads, the streets, the restaurants were exactly like how Phuket is. Exactly. Travelling on the roads in Langkawi reminded me soo much of Phuket. Oh, good times, great company. Memories.

Only difference btwn the two was that there was only prolly 2% of the bars that Phuket has. Being a Muslim country, of course it has to be that way. In short, Langkawi is the family-friendly version of Phuket.

We swam everyday, in the salt water pool (cool, eh?),

fought the waves in the sea,

drove around and visited every beach in Langkawi, went go-karting, visited the hugeass eagle thingy at the jetty,

went trekking (I got chased by scary monkeys :s), played in the cool waters at the waterfall,

went to an agrotechnology farm where we were fed lots of fruits that were plucked right in front of our eyes, and where we got really full after.

After 5 exhausting days, we left for KL.

And when in KL, what else could we do right? KL was all about the food and the shopping. My siblings and I played a lot in the hotel room, ate a lot in the hotel room and laughed a lot in the hotel room. Super fun.

[paparazzi shot of us by my dad]

These 2 pics perfectly sums up KL. ^^

And weather in Langkawi and KL was nothing like Singapore. Singapore is just unreasonably hot. >( The AC at home just can't keep up. Damn.

2009-06-20T22:00:00.001+08:00

Dear Sam,

You show me the light..

Thanks for everything.

xoxo

Sabby

2 days 1 night

2009-06-04T01:06:00.005+08:00

mc mong. lee seung gi. eun jiwon. lee sugeun. 2 days 1 night is <3

cute, funny, smart and very lovable.

healthy fixation?

i thought so. until 5 mins ago when i found out that even seung gi is a year younger than me.
DAMN.

really??

sigh. did i mention that when i queued for ft island tickets, the fans were all barely out of secondary school? of course, you'd say. the boys frm ft island were born in the freaking 90s.

eurgh. :s

i feel old and perverted. -.-"

i sld just stick to arashi la. they're oldies compared.

i'm so free that this is what i've taken to worry about these days.

Cos Becky rocks my socks.

2009-06-01T03:28:00.004+08:00

Arashi's latest release, Ashita no Kioku [Tomorrow's Memories] sounds reaally nice, but it's just way sad that it's unsettling.
Therefore, I have chosen to go with this. Take some time, darlings. :) June is here....

***

Arashi - Kaze [wind]

We laid on the beach in each other's arms
The sky somehow looked lonely without a single cloud, yes, I'm sure
We ran through this brief summer
It's sad to think our suntans will fade, it feels like we'll forget this moment

I watched my reflection in the setting sun, praying that
I could say "thank you" honestly without feeling embarrassed

Throw away everything and stop the clock one more time on this moment
If I believe the ideals I forged and my wishes are my runway, I can flap my wings
When we meet up here again someday and start to talk
My wind and the footsteps from the day I set forth will be embraced by the waves

My dreams rose up from the ocean horizon
It's sad to deceive the meaning of my life and watch them forever

Rolling dreams that won't come true become stars again today
To gently shine on the endless sea

Summer just keeps going on while I feel like this, and I'm not confident,
But if I know my thoughts are the sky and my vows are the clouds, I can take flight
When we meet up here again someday and start to talk
Today's wind and this tiny moment in the universe will be embraced by the waves

The brief summer is coming to an end
I'm just looking at the seaside
It's filling up now with the blue of the ocean
The sky is looking down at us even now

Yes, we'll meet up again, talking and laughing about how we were so worried
The sunset that shone on our decorated selves that day will shine on us again
Enveloping those bashful days, while the wind envelops me

Throw away everything and stop the clock one more time on this moment
If I believe the ideals I forged and my wishes are my runway, I can flap my wings
When we meet up here again someday and start to talk
My wind and the footsteps from the day I set forth will be embraced by the waves

***

Becky rocks.

I really, really want to share this song and let you guys listen to the song. It means so much more when you listen to it and realise what it means...

Oh well, let me know if you're interested.
Always am ready to spread some Arashi lurvee. ^^

Yeay! XD

2009-05-30T23:16:00.007+08:00

Queued up at IMM today for 2 hours with Faizah to get this!

Tickets to F.T Island's showcase next month!!! YEEAYYY! 27th June come quick! 8282! XD

We thought we were early and kiasu enough to reach IMM at 1pm when tickets were only gonna be sold from 3pm onwards. But no.. when we came, there were about a hundred or so girls already in queue. Wow. That was my first time doing something like this and it was fun ah. We were playing on our psps. Haha. I want that Roco game ahhh...

So as were waiting, some girls from the Sg Fanclub came round and gave us a piece of paper to write our msgs to the boys. Everyone else was writing in Korean that they memorised but I came unprepared. So, I wrote in Japanese instead. Lol. But why not right, they are studying in Japan now and have even released a Japanese album there. Besides, maybe my piece of paper might stand out in the sea of Korean scripts. Haha.

And since I didn't really have much to say to them besides I love you, I was wondering what I shld draw to make my piece of paper look nicer. Then Faizah gave us the brilliant idea of drawing the characters from Roco Loco cos they were so darn cute la. And this was what it ended up to look like.

Front:See how little I wrote. I really don't know what I could say to them. Haha. I only wanna watch them perform in person, live and melt. :))

Back:

And then I said sth abt the illustrations on this msg thingy having nothing to do with the boys, so Faizah suggested drawing a guitar. So that was how the back of this paper came abt. Lol. With cancellations all. Damn, I sld be more serious abt this. Haha.

And then we went to Cineleisure to play Left 4 Dead. I only lasted ard 40 mins cos my insides were threatening to make a ghastly appearance thru my mouth. So I gave up b4 tt happened. RPGs do that to me. So sad. I actually enjoy them. Sigh.

Then went to Taka to have this!
My first dango!! This was the read bean one.

This was really nice! ^^ Really sedap!

Oh, there was a cheerleading competition at Ngee Ann City too. And we saw NUS. And they really sucked mann.. They look new and like there wasn't much confidence on their part. And then SP came after them, and they were soo much better sey. Seriously.

But the Thai squad was the best man. They were really good.

Ok I feel very tired. Good night, all! ^^

the white flag.

2009-05-29T23:59:00.002+08:00

Sopy is soo hooked to this drama i was watching.
He made me watch it with him all the way till 4plus in the morning. 0.o
When I actually want to watch it slowly cos it's such a bittersweet story and I don't want it to end so soon. :(

Well, the show hit home in many ways than one. I get so distracted watching the show. Grr. And cos I'm pms-ing right now, all the scenes seem a leetle too sweet, a leetle too sad and a leetle too irritating. Oh well.

I spent my evening making wallpapers. On Photoshop okay. Gotta hand it to me man. Cos the last time I touched Photoshop was more than a year ago, when Yano was helping me out with the booklets for my class' English presentation thingy. And that also, wasn't as if I really did anything. haha. The wallpapers were really simple though. Still an accomplishment, however. XD
You can check them out at my lj.

Aaaannnnddd. I'm getting F.T Island showcase tix tmr!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very excited. Hopefully by being at the place 3 hours earlier, I would get the tix. Cos only 800 are up for grabs. Pray for me.

Of Netball, Badminton, Korean & Japanese Cuisine

2009-05-26T21:37:00.002+08:00

Sunday:

Played netball at Kallang with the girls and a couple of our sisters. Haha. It was a really superb workout. What with the sun shining so so brightly on us. I was surprised I did not get burned. Haha. Oh yes, all the time we were playing, the aroma of KFC's fried chicken was beckoning us all. Unhealthy yum.

Monday:

Did nothing. Only rewatched the first few eps of HanaKimi with Yan. XDXDXD. Such a happy, crappy drama. I love Nakatsu.
*nosebleeds*

Tuesday:

Went for a badminton session at Geylang Serai CC with the NIE babes. Shida suggested swimming after but we didn't in the end. Don't know why also. lol. Then went to Jo's fren's place at Bayshore to shower. And wow la. The shower cubicles are soo large and very,very practical.
Then had food and glorious yummy waffles with ice-cream at the Royals cafe at Siglap.
After which met Sam at Tamp. she didn't kow what to eat. So we decided that I would cook Japanese kare raisu for her. :D We also made Korean cabbage and scallion pancakes. They look just like they do on teevee la! Haha. Will post pics some day.

Zatty, out!

F.T Island coming to Singapore!!! PII

2009-05-23T02:23:00.002+08:00

STILL CAN'T QUITE CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT.

kjbdsvkbiuvjn*random squels and noises*kjdbvsbdvasudbvasjnvoa.

F.T Island coming to Singapore!!! PI

2009-05-23T02:14:00.005+08:00

OMG.

F.T ISLAND IS COMING TO SINGAPORE!

I AM SO EXCITED.

VERY EXCITED! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

OMG.

I HAVE to get the tix. No matter what. And I'm gonna make Sam go with me. It's no fun fangirling alone. I'll pay for you, don't worry. It is just an hour's showcase; not a full-length concert, but heck ah. I almost flew to KL last year when they came for a concert. omg la. Wow. This is wonderful seeing as Korean/Japanese acts rarely come down here. Especially the ones I love. Anyone else wants to go? And check them out? hehe.

SO excited.
wheeeeeeee~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sopy says it's the law of attraction. Haha.
My fangirling hasn't been futile after all. YEAYYY! :D:D:D:D

2009-05-22T00:05:00.003+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOPY-TO!!! <3

Brother just turned 25! And his gf bought sth really really cool for him. :D
The rest of us are as excited for him as we are for ourselves. Lol.

But, major fight today at home btwn some ppl. Caused by a mojor misunderstanding btwn said ppl. And now mum is sad. Oh well.

Accompanied my mum to the hospital today and ironically, I had a very good day with her. Somehow she was very bearable, tolerable and cute. HAHA.

Anyway, I saw sth just now and that made me a lil bit happy. Cos it proves that I'm not the only one receiving shitty unreasonable treatment and that everyone else thinks that some ppl are just plain outright -. :)

OK la, I better get going. To the kitchen at 1210am. Cos the kitchen's in a huge, irritating mess. Why can't ppl clean up after themselves? Grrrrrrrrrr. Even if I leave it now, it will haunt me tmr. Plus, it will start to stink by tmr. More grrrrr. Ok, as much as I don't want to. I really have to go. Bye. :(

really excited for netball on sunday!!!!!

2009-05-20T16:22:00.003+08:00

Finally.

I've had an lj account since forever. But today, it struck me that I sld get some action going in there. ^^

Maybe I shall just go crazy with fangirly posts over in lj. And leave this blog snap-back-to-reality sane. And if you guys are somehow the teeniest bit interested in my fangirl posts about cute Japanese and Korean men, well, mostly Japanese, just head on here!

So after cooking in the morning, I spent the whole day today just trying to figure out the layouts and themes and stuff over there. And then I remembered the reason why I did not just blog in lj in the beginning. It's so blardy complicated. :s But after sitting thru hours of tryna figure things out, my blog space there seems quite fine for a rookie. ^^

K, I'm excited for netball. Or frisbee. Anything ah. I need fun. I need to do something other than cooking, cleaning the house and laundry. I feel like a sad housewife. LOL.

2009-05-17T02:26:00.006+08:00

Today, we were all woken up with sad news..
That my eldest uncle had passed away following a bad fall in the toilet.

I really don't fancy death, cos even the strongest will fall as they die, and even the strongest will fall as they watch someone they love die.

After watching my cousins grieve for their father, let's all take some time to appreciate our dads, shall we?

Whether or not we think he's the best dad in the world.
Whether or not he annoys us sometimes.
Whether or not we feel he could be a better dad.
For all his good and his bad, let's just revel in the fact that at least, he's there.

*

Anyhow, when we were all resting after getting back home earlier, I received an sms from my uncle informing me that another relative of mine has passed away too. So I went in my parents' room to tell them. But Dad was having a fever and he couldn't even really respond to the news that his uncle had just passed away.

*

I skipped class today. And called Ikoma to inform them that I wld be attending another class tmr instead. But right now, I don't feel like it. But if I don't go, there'll be no other classes for me to attend to make up for today.

Sigh. How?

I feel so malas. And isn't it so darn weird that I don't feel like going for japanese class?

lalallaa

2009-05-09T23:32:00.007+08:00

i'm in hormonal-teenage-fangirl mode!! v(*.*)v

hmm... n_n

the aura-sensing guy in HanaKimi [Yamamoto Yusuke] looked kinda cute in HanaKimi rite?
Well, he was SUPER HAWT in RESCUE. So if you need a hot-guy fix, watch RESCUE.

and Yamapi played the ADHD-random-eccentric-supercute-touchy guy perfectly in Nobuta wo Produce.
I've never wanted to squeal and squish anyone quite like I want to squish him all over now.
HAHA. And I'm watching the show slowly so that I won;t be deprived of the happiness virus so soon. ^^

I LOVE ARSAHI.
I've been a crazy, irrational fan for 10 yrs and their faces seem so familiar, they almost feel like family. (i wish). lol.
I bet even my family members feel like they're family after seeing them all over my room, on the teevee outside blah blah blah for ten years running.
I'm sure there were times they wished I'd just shut up abt them. And wished that Arashi'd shut up. But now, even my brothers sing along. Heck, Sopy even has a couple of their music videos in his ipod. 0.o
My dad watches my Japanese dramas with me too. Don't even talk about my first brother. He's my Japanese drama kaki in this house. Always has been.
As for my mum, you can hear her humming their songs when she's doing the laundry or cooking.

Hohoho. I DO have a presence in this house.

Right, this has been uber random.
Just perfect for my uber random life now!

alritey now. lyrics translations for 2AM's latest single release. :)

2AM - A Friend's Confession

It’s been a while
since my heart has been changing,
since I’ve been dealing with it lonesome..
every time you came back,
I hated the guy that made you cry

I’d rather protect you,
although I don’t know if it will make it better…

This time I’ll hold you and love you
is what I thought

Baby, come to me now
And be my lady
I’ve watched you for too long
I stood there with no words,
hiding my pitiful heart.

As a friend, to remain as friends,
I had to push the confessions down my throat
But now I’ll confess to you,
I love you…

You hold my hand and tell me you only have me
Keeping me as a friend,
you say it’s a blessing
Whenever you say let’s never change,
I had to push my feelings down

It might be best if I protect you,
not knowing if it will be better

I kept hearing it but I kept cool
I was too scared to lose you, but…

Baby (Baby) Come to me now (Come to me)
And be my lady (lady)
I’ve watched you for too long
I stood there with no words,
hiding my pitiful heart (No)

As a friend (Your friend), to remain as friends (I know),
I had to push the confessions down my throat (The overflowing words)
That confession (confession) I had to hold it in (I couldn’t say it)
But now I’ll confess to you,
I love you…

sweet, you say?... somehow, it doesn't sound too sappy to me.
listen to the song.. the vocals might just kill you.

2009-05-06T01:40:00.006+08:00

I just finished Mei-chan no Shitsuji. ^^
The kiss at the end literally knocked my breath out laa...
Not because of anything really, but only because they were NOT supposed to kiss!!
It was pretty still.

Mizushima Hiro is always pretty anyway. The things we'd do to him and the rules we'd break if he was our butler, rite Yas??? HAHAHA. No but really, the kiss was nice. :)

You know, it'd be really quite wonderful if we all had ikemen butlers each to call our own.

After being made to understand and believe, sometimes viciously told, that I'm just not good enough, not funny enough, not slim enough, not beautiful enough, not smart enough, not hardworking enough, not thoughtful and considerate enough blah blah blah, my very own butler would serve as a rather fair compensation to all that negativity, don't you think?
Someone who knows absolutely everything there is to know about you. Someone who understands you as you are and still accepts you with his whole heart.

Says a bit, doesn't it? Someone who's willing to do anything for the sake of his lady. Without considering what benefit, if any at all, it might bring him.
Not that I want to be served and followed 24/7, but somehow, this gives me a leetle bit of faith that I might meet a gentleman one day. Doesn't really matter if I end up being with him or not. Just bumping into one would do, cos then it wouldn't be mere blind faith.

But then again, even though the ladies and their butlers always seem to complement each other in every other situation, there were times when they were rather dependent on their butlers. Which I find very scary.
It is nice, warm, fuzzy, sweet to have someone you know you could always depend on and turn to. Your driving force in life. Your motivation to go on. Your crying shoulder. Your reason to live. Your rock when challenges come by and you know you can't take them on all by yourself.

But. I haven't lived long enough to say a lot of things. But I have lived long enough to know that people can just up and leave.

So what happens, then? What if your butler runs away form you one day?
Even if you were strong and independent before, but he came along and told you that it's okay to depend on him. So you softened. And you depended.
And then he goes missing?

So, in short, no butlers for me. But who am I kidding rite? Personal butlers for ladies only happen in mangas, or dramas adapted from mangas. So snap back to reality, and here I am, blogging my thoughts out. On my sister's new lappy, just to try out her keys. It's quite nice la.

memories...

2009-05-04T17:15:00.005+08:00

Ouhh, so we watched Cats the Musical yesterday! ^___^
Loved the theatrics, the lightings, the stage set and of course, the costumes! What I would have given to get to see the make-up closer. Sigh, but it was still awesome. Really was.
And, presenting my favourite cat; the rock star sexycat Rum Tum Tugger!
Whee!~

And because I was still in the plays-musicals mood, I went home and watched Ohno's stageplay on DVD. Oh mann. That was awesome la! It was really good! [In fact, because I found Cats' plot rather loose, I actually preferred Ohno's play. Or maybe I'm biased. HAHA.]

I shall recommend it to ppl who might want to watch it. There were a few funny moments in the play, but unless you're a madass Arashi fan, you wouldn't really get it or you won't even notice that there's a joke there. Really. Although it was nice and refreshing to have a few references like that, I thought that there was just a little too much. Whatever makes the fangirls happy la. Johnny knows best. I sure was happy. *^^*

Well, anyway, it's been a week since exams ended. (YEAY!!)
After our last paper, the girls wanted to go drinking, so off we went to Balcony (at 7ish no earlier. lol) at Heeren after eating at Far East. Sat around, drank, had fun and then went to New York New York to eat some more. Lol. Then sat around some more and made a lot more noise all the way till the manager wanted to close the place for the night. Simple, but very lierating way to end the academic year. More yippee yays! ^^

So I have been planning some stuff to be done during these few beautiful months. :) Couldn't really get started as of yet cos I fell sick again. Darn it.

I have been burning loads of videos onto DVDs cos my external HD simply ran out of space. :s
I have to reorganise a lot of my files in my lappy and the external HD. Dreading to do it but it has to be done. grr.

Ok la, I'm actually busy converting subtitle files, encoding videos, compressing them and whatnot. I'm beginning to really appreciate the work that goes into those hardsubbed vids.

In very lazy mode.

*but looks at Rum Tum Tugger and squeals again*

oh yes. Mr Rum Tum Tugger waved and smiled at me. HAHA.

2009-04-25T23:08:00.005+08:00

It's really quite rare; times that I wish I wasn't me.
I know I'm not perfect but I'm really glad to be me.
But there are times when I'm made to hate myself.
One person does that to me.
And she does it so.fucking.well. it leaves you crying in public.

.
.
.

Fujiwara sensei is such a darling btw. I came to class ten mins late today. And she updated me about the review for last lesson. Then during the first break, she came up to me and asked me if I was fine and well. She said that I looked upset and wasn't as usual, so she was feeling uneasy and worried abt that. I told her I was just really tired. And then she patted my back and told me to cheer up. So sweet rite.

I'm just trying to find my way around studying for the last paper. Grrr. Such a drag la. The book's really too full of referencing la. Plus, it gives me a mighty headache, reading the same thing over and over again, paraphrased and exemplified by a dozen other examples. Stupid waste of time.
So I was on FB earlier, and was inspired by Hailynn when she took the Top 5 People I Want to Meet quiz(??)/thingy. And I shall list down not 5, but 10 people I would really love to meet.

1. Ohno Satoshi - cos he'll be marrying me. he just doesn't know it yet. and i don't mind wearing flats to my wedding! n_n

2. Mr Chew Chng Peng - cos he's my favourite teacher. and i need to see his reaction when i tell him i'm gonna be one myself. he might vomit blood for real this time round.

3. Johnny Kitagawa-sama - who wouldn't want an a-day-in-johnnykitagawa's-life experience?

4. The rest of Arashi, please.

5. Ikuta Toma. - I wanna get drunk with him!! i bet he'll be adorable. hurhurhur.

6. Ikimonogakari! - i have to take a pic with kiyoe-chan since sam says i resemble her sometimes. and also the harmonica dude looks so much like shota's friend, akihito.

7. Ayaka - cos i used to have a crush on her. plus she'll bring her hubby mizushima hiro with her, rite? being newlyweds and all.. XD

8. Kim Soo Mi - god, i love her la.

9. Lee Hongki - this is just gatal.

10. Mc Mong - if it doesn't work out with no.1, then i'm marrying Mong. ^^

Okayyy. I'm done wasting my time and yours!

Oh, oh. My sister and I have yet another similar thing that we own now.
Parents bought for her a VAIO lorrr.
Hers is obviously the newer one, and there is no chance that random keys on her keyboard will be abandoning and fleeing her lappy. The new keyboard rocks ah.

2009-04-18T22:14:00.002+08:00

Okay Faizah. I have SO taken over.

So, last night.

I bent down a little to throw something into the bin in my room.

Very, very carelessly, I nicely whacked my temple onto the corner of the shelf attached to the wall in the room.

I now have a cut on the side of my face and now, that part is throbbing.

This is pain.

This is clumsy.

2009-04-16T14:40:00.005+08:00

Would you agree with me if I said that I am VERY talented?

Talented in being clumsy, hell yeah.

I injured another part of my leg today. And no, it wasn't from the furniture at home. In fact, the last time I hit/kicked one of the furniture from my mum's repertoire in my small house/room was a few weeks ago. Now, THAT's talent.

Anyway, I was at Kallang MRT station, walking to the sideroad to wait for Shida, my sandal got 'caught' on the groovy uneven gravel pathway. 'Caught' cos it wasn't really caught, it just disrupted my walking momentum actually. As a result, my big toe hit the ground, somehow. I continued walking cos I didn't really stop in the first place.

Immediately after, my toe started to feel wet. And that's when I knew it. My toe was bleeding. I didn't want to look down cos I can't see blood, esp my own. (kental, i know) But curiosity got the better of me when I was at the traffic light. So I looked down, only to discover in horror that my toe was reaallly bloody, it was so red. :s And my feet was slipping from my sandals cos of the blood. This time, I was really bleeding quite a bit.

I have to admit at this point that when my sister tried to kill me last week, it wasn't half as bad as this.

This was teruk ah, for sth that seemed so harmless.
As I was crossing the road, pakciks, uncles and banglas were looking-looking at my feet.

All this while, in my head, all I could think of was that I better not faint in the middle of the road. Then waited for Shida for ard 2 minutes, and those 2 minutes were prolly one of the longest 2 mins I ever had. I could feel myself feeling more and more faint. And I just stuck some tissue under my toe to stop the blood from overflowing or sth. :s

Then I felt like I was really going to faint, so I went to a tree beside a Bangla who was eyeing my poor toe. And I leaned on the tree. Haha. Then, faint-faint, cars vroom-vroom, Shida came. And she was really shocked to see my very pale face. I looked at myself in the mirror and agreed. hahaha.

Reached school, washed my toe, sandals and put on plaster courtesy of Syikin. Gosh, my sandals looked like a crime scene la. E.

And I don't really know what exactly happened to my toe. Cos I'm scared to peel open the plaster and examine the bloodbath that is the underside of my right toe. I'm chicken like that.
All I know is that the blood has gone thru some parts of the plaster. Which means I need to do sth abt it soon.
Heellllpppp. ;_;

Any better way to kickstart the exams, anyone?