Sunday, February 21, 2010
Posted at 3:03 PM
this is not going to be a fine piece where i'm going to go all out to advocate the idea that blood is thicker than water. it's not going to be nice, and fuck cares.

i don't think that it's wrong for me to feel completely turned off to see my cousin anymore just cos the way his mum carries on. we have loved mikaeil and my parents still do love him very much, even years after we stopped caring for him. heck, we don't even see him anymore. not even on hari raya.

i say my parents still love him very much, but what about me? i don't know anymore. i am finding it very hard to continue loving someone if i only see him once a year, during his birthday only. and this year, apparently, only an hour was allowed for my parents to see him. the fuck rite. it's not as if my cousin is the reigning emperor to some nation, seriously.

we do not gain anything when we request to see him. he is a kin of ours. he is the son of my mum's late youngest brother, for god's sake. even more than the fact that we were the ones who took care of him since he was born, till the time my uncle was diagnosed with cancer, through the really difficult time when we were all shuffling to and from the hospital, right to his very last moments on earth; the very fact that he is kin already makes it senseless that we have to tread on tiptoes when we request to see him. request, yes. and time and time again, my father gets a rejection sms. if he even does. most times, we don't hear any response at all.

maybe this is really a case of culture differences. maybe my aunt has really been waiting and pushing for us to cut all ties. the way things are going, it looks like it's very near in the future. no one hears anything about the mother and son all year. she calls when she needs us to pass messages like how she's not going to come for any and all family gatherings, weddings of family members. heck, even when my eldest uncle passed on, she didn't bother to make an appearance.

so today, i stood my ground and i refused to join my parents who were granted a one-hr mcdonald's date with mikaeil at compasspoint at 830am to celebrate his birthday. my father asked for 930am, and he was outright rejected with a flat no. so why do i not want to see them?

firstly, i am too angry with how things have turned out. despite us being very very patient and accommodating of the challenges she is facing as a single mother, and as a new muslim, she refuses to humour us at all. i think my parents have stooped low enough, many times, throwing away their prides, just so they could see the boy. just so they could get updates on how my aunt is coping with life. in my opinion, she has to stop carrying on as if she is queen.

secondly, i don't think i can take it when i see my parents disappointed after the breakfast bday celebration, that can hardly be called one. i know for sure that they will be disappointed and sad. my father will be trying his best to calm his emotions and my mother on the other hand will be lamenting about her sadness and regret. my heart will break even more than it is already broken. i know that my aunt will be cold. i know that the moment when they part will be painful, cos no one really knows when we get to see them again.

so right now, my mum is being all moody and angry at me cos i refused to go along with them. she asked how i could find it in my heart to not want to go. i don't say anything to her. but i think, i really can't find the compassion, kindness and willingness to go anymore. my longing to see mikaeil has been drowned by my disappointment and anger at how things have turned out. i believe that my mum is acting out against me like this cos i am very sure that the meeting they had earlier with my aunt and mikaeil only made her sadder. my dad seems very subdued. and i can see that he is trying his best to be genki about this matter to make my mum feel better.

for all the pain, heartache, worry, anger, longing and for me, for the lost love, i say, fuck la. fuck the saying that blood is thicker than water. cos right now, that is not how it works. for bringing gloomy days to this house, i hope she one day realises what she is doing. cos like it or not, no man is an island. no one action can be independent of causing effect on another person and his/her life through his/her actions. right now, even the memories of my late uncle cannot salvage this dark feeling in my heart.