Disclaimer: This post is not borne out of irrationality brought about by PMS. Nor the rain. Or the cold. This is really been something playing on my sad mind for quite some time actually. I have heard sayings that advice us to to not run away from our problems, insecurities and stuff like that. So this is what I am going to do. Admit what I think is my flaw. Seriously, no sarcasm or digs intended. Cross my heart and hope to die.

It is undeniable. My family is awesome. My parents are cool enough. My brothers totally rock. And I'd be pretty bored if I don't have my sister. They love me and I know it.

But.

They just have a way of making me feel that I'm not good enough.

I went to university; albeit not taking the conventional route to get that piece of paper. But now that I have that, my mother starts wants me to achieve some other things. Now that I have a stable job, she wants me to improve the other bloody aspects of my life. Like go lose weight. Be normal. Have a socially-acceptable body. So that she doesn't have to worry about me. Worry about what? That I cannot snag a man who will marry me and take care of me?

I also have bloody awesome friends. My girlfriends are all that BFFs should be. They make great travel partners. They listen to my rants at any time, all the time. They make me feel better after shit happens. They don't tell me to shut up when I get irrationally emo. They humour me when no one else bothers to.

But yet I know I don't make it into their priority list. Cos they have their boyfriends. Or other friends. Which is really fine, and I don't hold any hard feelings! That's just the way things run, and I accept it fine.

And then there's the guy who is hot and cold. Makes me so happy sometimes, breaks my heart like no one else can sometimes. I don't even know what he is to me anymore. One day we'll be all great, and the next, it won't be anymore. At times, I can't help but feel (this is taking a lot for me to confess) that I am sth like his booty call. Only that he doesn't get what he wants from me. Maybe that's why he's like that to me? Guess I will never know..

So you see. I am either just not good enough or am second-best.

Achieve something, and then hear that actually...

"Nahh.. not good enough, babe. You still kinda suck. Still not good enough"

Think that I am worth the time and affection from someone but..

"Oops.. Today, I realised that you're just not it. Not good enough for me. Sorry"

BUT I TRIED SO HARD.

But really, who cares? It is human nature to want and to appreciate the end product. If I don't make the cut, then sorry. Your feelings are not worth my consideration. Nor my time.

So thinking all these feelings through, I realised something about myself. In order for me to feel happy and content, I crave affection, approval and love. I appreciate a leetle attention. From the people who matter. Not all the time, but sometimes. When I expect it, when I need it.

Not a very conclusive end to this post. But, yeah.

Happy New Year!

Meanwhile, I guess I will decide if I should keep trying to be good enough, and to be the number one for someone.

Or find someone who finds me good enough and be the number one for that person.

(since I can't change my family anyway)

Whichever comes easy. Whichever come first.