Last night in this house. ;___;

But was totally ruined by someone who's supposedly closest to me. Well, fuck that, for tonight. And for as long as I don't feel like having anything to do with her.

And thanks to this incident, many things ran through my mind. And now, I truly feel that I fucking deserve better. I don't deserve to be treated the way I was.

All my life, I played nice. I lived my life, trying my hardest to not disappoint my parents in any way. I put my all in all that I was supposed to do, not only for myself, but for my family. I have always feared not meeting the expectations that my family has set for me. Granted, they do not set sky high goals for me to achieve, but at least, I try my hardest and give them that.

I can safely say that I never gave my parents and my family any cause for worry. I went through school fine, without hicks, and then completed university, without troubling them financially nor in any other ways. And now, I am already working, with a stable job, and one that my parents tell me they are actually proud of.

So where does that leave me? How in hell, does being the good daughter and sister, lead to this? I have played my part well growing up. I always try to bring smiles to my family's faces. I humour my parents by being the daughter that does almost everything in this house when my mum can't.

I humour my brothers by doing every single thing they tell me to help them with. Even if it means cooking in the middle of the night. I listen to their stories even when there are times I don't really feel like. Whatever they ask me to do, I do. With a smile, willingly.

I try to be the elder sister I never had, to my sister. I get close to her, even though it's been really difficult to, even my family is shocked that I always somehow manage to get her to say things that she'd never ever say to anyone else, with that heart akin to a stone. I keep her secrets that no one else knows. Even when there are times when I know it's wrong to keep those secrets to myself. But why do I do it? To fucking protect her. I treat her as a friend, I keep things as casual as I could. I let her tease me, I let her annoy me, just like how my brother used to do when I was young. Because, maybe if I did that, I could keep our relationship close and intact.

But tonight, in the car, as again, I let her make me cry, as again, I let her talk down to me as if I'm younger than her by 5 yrs instead, I thought that maybe, I've been doing it wrong. Maybe things shouldn't have been that casual with her. Maybe it's time to let the 5-yr gap seem like a 5-yr gap. Since this doesn't seem to work.

And since I've realised that no one stands up for me in this family, maybe I should not be the nice daughter and sister anymore. Maybe I should frown and pout all day, so that my brothers won't dare to sound me for help. Maybe I should talk back to my parents and brothers every single opportunity I get, so that they know, I can also be not nice. So that they know that I'm not just one happy smiling, laughing ball. Maybe I will just be fucking irresponsible about my familial duties. And while I'm at it, shall I even be irresponsible with my own life? No, not having suicidal thoughts. Irresponsible as in, I shall not be the goody-two shoes that everyone takes for granted. How's that? If one way doesn't seem like the way to go, a 180-degree swerve away from it might bring the respect I should be getting.