I wonder if it is uncanny coincidence that more often than not, I am caught in a dilemma. Personal dilemmas, I've had plenty. I talk it out to myself and I sometimes look to others for help.

But what happens when you're in a dilemma that involves many other parties? I have had many instances of being caught-in-the-middle.

With friends? Of course. From simple matters regarding where to eat to larger-scale ones that involve holiday arrangements. Being stuck in the middle of different parties is tiring. Please one side, offend the other. Appease the other side, betray another. orz

And then, there's family. Being stuck between a stubborn sister and an equally unbending mother exhausts me to no end. Because in the end, whatever I do, or not do, will be the wrong move. If I let things be, I am the one who doesn't want to give a damn cos she's too good for the family already (like where does this logic come from??). If I take some proactive approach, and help the sister's with her problems, she's not ever going to learn, is she? When I try to protect her, I get it from the mother. When I don't give a flying fuck, I also get it.

Sometimes the words I get thrown in my face from the both of them hurts so much that my chest physically tighten and breathing gets difficult.

So, dear wise readers, what shall I do?

I am already very physically tired from doubling up as the homemaker for past couple of months. *This* kind of emotional and mental exhaustion is totally unwelcome. And let's not forget, again, that I have my own personal responsibilities too. For example, I am in my final year, final semester. At this moment in time, assignment deadlines are piled up one on top of the other. And also, that I have my final, final examinations coming in a couple of weeks' time.

So, maybe, for just these few weeks, let me off. From everyone else's problems. Let me live my life for a little while now. Once I'm done with school, I'll face all this shit again, can? Cos for the past month or so, I have been dreading being at home. After school, I walk ever so slowly to the bus stop. I look forward to leaving the house in the mornings. Cos that is the only time when I'm granted 'me' time. And even so, the 'me' time is filled up with thoughts and worries about all the problems at home; none of which, is mine.

I still love my family, though. Very much. It's just that sometimes, even family can forget that you are human too, with feelings, with shortcomings. Sometimes, I wish that I wasn't so accessible to my family. If I stay out till late everyday, and am barely home, things like these wouldn't be happening to me. If I simply do-not-know, hence I do not have to worry, right? Maybe when they see less of me, they'll appreciate me more? Maybe I am being around too much in this house... Maybe someday, I'll get a life. I'll do just that once I sleep off my exhaustion.

***

After I got back from school today, I stalked some pics of 2PM at Incheon and Suvarnabhumi Airports. Stumbled upon a fancam recording of 3 of them arriving in Bangkok last night. It was a 50-odd seconds footage of them going past the customs and out of the airport. Halfway through, I got really excited cos I was thinking to myself, "Omg, I was right there! Where they are walking!". Then the video ended as they walked outside into the darkness, as they walked to their bus that was waiting.

And that was when something hit me. The pick-up area in the night time was soo familiar. Memories from nearly 2 years ago washed over me. A thousand and one of them. Funny that it was only a few days ago that me and Yano were talking about how much fun we had when the 5/6 of us were there. (:

Anyway, I remember reading somewhere recently, about a study that was done on holiday-goers. Apparently, most people feel happy when planning and anticipating their holidays. An insignificant amount of happiness was 'detected' during their holidays itself. And when they came back home, sometimes depression set it.

Gotta to agree with the planning, anticipating and the depression bit. But I remember having such a great time during our holidays in Thailand. The fun we had, or rather, I had, were definitely much more significant than the excitement while planning. Hmm.

Well, I have a feeling that Japan end this year might beat Thailand. Hehe. By virtue of the destination alone, totally possible. 8D I'm just keeping my fingers crossed; that any tangles now will be fixed rather easily soon.

Anywayy, after I stalked those 2PM pictures, I started to cook for the family. And as I was cooking I thought of something that would make me so so happy. I was actually thinking that I would be the happiest person in the whole wide world now if JYPE called me up. And offered me a job to cook for the 2PM boys. You know, like their own cook noona? hahaha. That would be SO much fun!! Everyday, I will serve them home-cooked meals. Healthier than take-outs and deliveries. ^^ It will not matter what time of day their tummies demand food, cos I will gladly prepare them. Since I will be a live-in cook. 8DD

Well, a girl has the right to daydream as she cooks, right? ^_________^

Now let me entertain myself with these fantasies. They keep me going, albeit on a very false note, but at least, it helps me find the strength to live each day with my best.

While I'm at it, I think I should let you guys know... It's been some time... but..

Here's my husband. And that's our lovechild.

We were playing with paint this one Sunday, if you can't already tell.