Sunday, January 23, 2011
Posted at 2:16 AM
i expressed my wish to bid a final goodbye.
now i am waiting for that final goodbye.
i hate waiting like this.
i have been feeling so goddamn emo.
like a fucking hormonal teenager.
complete with a break-out on my face. Eurgh.
this totally sucks.
and please don't blame me if i can't be happy for you and you and you out there.
let me be bitter.
i think i deserve to be bitter because frankly, it never quite hurt like this before.
fml.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Posted at 10:00 PM
Disclaimer: This post is not borne out of irrationality brought about by PMS. Nor the rain. Or the cold. This is really been something playing on my sad mind for quite some time actually. I have heard sayings that advice us to to not run away from our problems, insecurities and stuff like that. So this is what I am going to do. Admit what I think is my flaw. Seriously, no sarcasm or digs intended. Cross my heart and hope to die.
It is undeniable. My family is awesome. My parents are cool enough. My brothers totally rock. And I'd be pretty bored if I don't have my sister. They love me and I know it.
But.
They just have a way of making me feel that I'm not good enough.
I went to university; albeit not taking the conventional route to get that piece of paper. But now that I have that, my mother starts wants me to achieve some other things. Now that I have a stable job, she wants me to improve the other bloody aspects of my life. Like go lose weight. Be normal. Have a socially-acceptable body. So that she doesn't have to worry about me. Worry about what? That I cannot snag a man who will marry me and take care of me?
I also have bloody awesome friends. My girlfriends are all that BFFs should be. They make great travel partners. They listen to my rants at any time, all the time. They make me feel better after shit happens. They don't tell me to shut up when I get irrationally emo. They humour me when no one else bothers to.
But yet I know I don't make it into their priority list. Cos they have their boyfriends. Or other friends. Which is really fine, and I don't hold any hard feelings! That's just the way things run, and I accept it fine.
And then there's the guy who is hot and cold. Makes me so happy sometimes, breaks my heart like no one else can sometimes. I don't even know what he is to me anymore. One day we'll be all great, and the next, it won't be anymore. At times, I can't help but feel (this is taking a lot for me to confess) that I am sth like his booty call. Only that he doesn't get what he wants from me. Maybe that's why he's like that to me? Guess I will never know..
So you see. I am either just not good enough or am second-best.
Achieve something, and then hear that actually...
"Nahh.. not good enough, babe. You still kinda suck. Still not good enough"
Think that I am worth the time and affection from someone but..
"Oops.. Today, I realised that you're just not it. Not good enough for me. Sorry"
BUT I TRIED SO HARD.
But really, who cares? It is human nature to want and to appreciate the end product. If I don't make the cut, then sorry. Your feelings are not worth my consideration. Nor my time.
So thinking all these feelings through, I realised something about myself. In order for me to feel happy and content, I crave affection, approval and love. I appreciate a leetle attention. From the people who matter. Not all the time, but sometimes. When I expect it, when I need it.
Not a very conclusive end to this post. But, yeah.
Happy New Year!
Meanwhile, I guess I will decide if I should keep trying to be good enough, and to be the number one for someone.
Or find someone who finds me good enough and be the number one for that person.
(since I can't change my family anyway)
Whichever comes easy. Whichever come first.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Posted at 9:38 PM
Yui - Please Stay With Me
Will you stay by my side?
Secretly, in between the gaps of passions
Peace is never in sight in the face of tragedy
Gathering the fragments of this shrinking love
One piece
Two pieces
I'm piling them up
Just by wishing that I could see you
My tears are already overflowing this much
My sigh escapes, floating up into the night sky
Please Stay With Me
You're holding it in but don't grow so cold, okay?
Because words will someday change into the truth
I can't hear your pride or your talents
This can't just end as a dream
One thing
Two things
Explain them all to me
If I could say, "I miss you" would I end up in pain again?
My tears are already overflowing...
my love
Every time we pass by one another,
you become more precious to me
Please Stay With Me
I want to know you more
I want to hear your voice
I want to cry
I'm so confused
I'm so weak, aren't I?
Please Stay With Me
Nothing more, nothing less.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Posted at 10:59 AM
Was walking around at Downtown East earlier this week when I walked past a small shop which was playing this song softly. I remembered how much I used to keep listening to this song cos I loved it so much. Not that it was particularly applicable to my life back then. But I really loved the simplicity of this song and its lyrics. Simple, sweet, and gets the darned message across rather straight.
So these past fetw days, I have been playing this song on loop. :)
Aslyn - That's When I Love you
when you have to look away
when you don't have much to say
that's when I love you
I love you, just that way
to hear you stumble when you speak
or see you walk, with two left feet
that's when I love you
I love you, endlessly
and when you're mad 'cause you lost the game
forget i'm waiting in the rain
baby I love you
I love you anyway
'cause here's my promise made tonight
you can count on me for life
'cause that's when I love you
when nothing you do could change my mind
the more I learn,
the more I love,
the more my heart can't get enough
that's when I love you
when I love you
no matter what
so when you turn to hide your eyes
'cause the movie and made you cry
that's when I love you
I love you a little more each time
and when you can't quite match your clothes
or when you laugh at your own jokes
thats when I love you
I love you, more than you know
and when you forget that we had a date
or that look that you give when you show up late
baby I love you
I love you anyway
'cause heres my promise made tonight
you can count on me for life
'cause that's when I love you
when nothing you do could change my mind
the more I learn
the more I love
the more my heart can't get enough
thats when I love you
when I love you no matter what
that's when I love you
when nothing baby
nothing you do could change my mind
the more I learn
the more I love
the more my heart can't get enough
thats when I love you
when I love you
no matter what
no matter what
Emo is an understatement.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Posted at 11:30 PM
Don't use me
Don't tease me
Don't hurt me
Don't mess with my head
Don't flaunt me
Don't laugh at me
Talk about me
Or ignore what I said
But you can treat me good
Anytime you like
Show me some kindness if I'm lucky tonight
You can treat me good anytime at all
Just little caring is all I'm asking for
Bachelor Girl - Treat Me Good
cos no one wants to be a just-in-case
Friday, September 17, 2010
Posted at 1:38 PM
Because I am not capable of being the slightest bit coherent right now, I 'll quote this piece of writing by Elvin Ng that I felt was most befitting of my situation right now.
May 9, 2010What would you do?
For love, I would pursue it and give it my best shot even if I knew it was a mistake right from the start and nothing would come out of it; I would rather have lived it and be hurt than never to have lived at all.
That’s how much I would give for love.
Idealistic? Romantic? Stubborn? Irrational?
I was thinking, “How many irrational decisions have I made in my life?” The answer: not many. I have been a fairly rational being. & only for love would I give myself, I would be an irrational being.
For love, what would you give?
-Elvin Ng.
Hello Elvin. Are you me?
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Posted at 11:06 AM
It's got nothing to do with religion, it's got nothing to with mental stability, but it has everything to do with the human mind's natural instinct, which is to hope beyond all hope, unless you're a cynical bastard. It's got to do with love, with losing somebody you love, a part of you being torn away that you'd do almost anything or believe anything to have returned to you. It's hope that someday you'll see them again, that you can still feel them near you. Hope like that, as I thought before, doesn't make you a weak person. It's hopelessness that makes you weak. Hope makes you stronger, because it brings with it a sense of reason. Not a reason for how or why they were taken from you, but a reason for you to live. Because it's a maybe. A 'maybe someday things won't always be this shit.' And that 'maybe' immediately makes the shittiness better.
-Cecilia Ahern.